The Hardest Speech of My Life…

letter

If you click on that link above you will find a letter I wrote to my grandmother many years ago. It is not a typical letter, it was something I wrote and put in a card… a snapshot of a day in her life if you will.

Over the years  I wrote her many cards and letters, our bond was a special one…she raised me and so I got to have a mother and grandmother relationship with her.

I am going to add more to this post later because there is so much I want to share and say about her but for right now I will just share this one story about the day I had to say goodbye forever.

My grandmother, my heart, passed away on 12/6/16 and I tried to write the words to say that expressed my love and gratitude for her… I wanted to speak at her funeral because I know she would like that and deserved that.

No matter how I tried I couldn’t find the words, nothing was good enough…

Then on the night of her “showing” my cousin the pastor who was giving service the next day asked if any of us would like to speak…I wanted to say yes but hadn’t been able to find the words yet and then my aunt stepped forward and said my gramma gave her a letter I had written her that she wanted to be read at her funeral. I was speechless…and grateful…and touched…and missed her so much more at that moment.

My aunt gave the letter to me and said while they were going through files when my grandfather passed 3 years earlier she found this and told my aunt she wanted it read at her own funeral.

I read it not having any idea what it said because I had sent her so many over the years..but when I read it I understood why…and here I couldn’t find the words because I had already written them so many years before.

That letter described her as I remembered her when I lived with her, truly a snapshot of her everyday life…I think she knew I would want to say something and that letter in particular was her favorite because it was so true … it was perfect.

I was shaking horribly…but I read it through to the end…and I am glad that I did because a part of me knows she heard me.

I am going to write something soon about her life so you might know a little about what a wonderful woman she was, stay tuned ❤

I rcvd a lot of messages from people who knew her and didnt know her all offering heartfelt condolences and I appreciated that so much, thank you everyone. For those who wanted to be there but couldnt I attached the funeral notice for you in the link below.

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Sharing Beauty, Joy and Love…

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Like many people I share pictures of my adventures on Facebook. I share my happy moments and the things that make my heart light up and the times that bring joy to my life…I love life and I want to share these things with everyone because I know that some people need to see and feel these things too…

I try in my own little way to show others how easy it is to find joy in the simple things in life, how accessible it is to find the beauty that surrounds us all daily… I know sometimes it is hard to see outside of our own bubble and that many of us live in dark bubbles a lot of the time. A lot of people do not talk about their issues and so a lot of people have no idea what they are going through and for these people who carry it in silence I can relate.

We all carry things and we all try to keep going and find a way to see a way out but it is so easy to get wrapped up in life and forget the simple pleasures, it is so easy to forget how easy it is to let ourselves be happy…no matter how small or quick the moment is, you have to stop and appreciate it and carry it with you so you can remember that there are so many more moments like that out there and then you will begin see them come to you more often the more you appreciate them.

So in my own way part of what I do to share these moments with others is not just enjoying the sunsets and keeping that moment to myself but enjoying that beauty and sharing it with as many people as I can so they too can see the beauty right outside their doors. To know that all they have to do is step outside for five minutes to see they beauty in the world around them…to know that there is a way to find peace and be one with nature if only for a brief moment in the day, that moment could turn your whole day around.

So when I am out in my kayak on the water, watching the clouds on a beautiful sunny day, amazed at the light show in a thunderstorm or sitting at the beach watching a sunset and I feel that joy from the beauty around me filling me up inside and I feel that love for life… I want to share it because I hope that I can help someone else see that beauty and feel that joy and hopefully it will help them to seek it out for themselves and to find that love for life that they need is right outside their door…

Perhaps I just see things differently than most people, and I know that appreciating the beauty in life around me doesn’t solve all of my problems but it sure does change my perspective and attitude towards life and what is important to me and I think that is a huge step in the right direction for anyone.

So if I can do anything at all to help at least one person out there see life that way too, then that gives my life purpose. If I can help one person step outside of their bubble long enough to breathe deep and see that there is so much more out there for them than their current situation and so many ways to find happiness and love than they know… then my life has purpose.

What is beautiful to me may not be beautiful to you but if it moves you to seek out those things that do make you happy, if seeing what stirs my soul inspires you in any way to seek out your joy then it is worth it.

For my blog followers who are not my facebook friends I will start sharing these pictures and moments as well, the more people I can share this beauty and love of life with the better… We do not know how much time we are allotted here on earth and at any moment it can be all be taken away from us…why not love every beautiful moment?

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The Dreaded 39…

So, the day I have been dreading all month arrives tomorrow, the 29th of June…when I turn *gulp* 39

Most people have this problem with milestones like 40 or 50 but for me this birthday makes me sad for more than the most obvious reason of being another year older.

This year is the first birthday since my divorce and being single on your birthday means no birthday hugs or kisses or extra special gifts like birthday sex lol

This is also is tough birthday because it may very well be the last one I have with my grandmother still alive. She was supposed to be here for my birthday, my aunt was going to drive her up here from West Virginia but my grandmother fell twice last week and is in too much pain for a long car ride and I understand that and I feel bad that she is hurting so I am going to drive down there as soon as I can for a visit.

I’ll just add this to the list since it is on my mind too…This year marks the 30th anniversary of my grandfather’s death, yep he died on the morning of my 9th birthday. That was such a messed up day for so many reasons and I get to remember it every year…so there’s that little gem.

This day also marks the start of my last year in my thirties, which is the least of my worries because age is a natural part of life and happens to us all and I know this but it still bothers me just a little bit because my life is so different t from where I thought it would be at this age, so much has changed in just the past year…I am a completely different person than I was this time last year…

Last year I woke up to find a crack in my face on my birthday, my first visible wrinkle… a laugh line that no longer disappears when I stop laughing…I wrote a blog about that when its twin appeared. I now have a matching set but I wondered what mother nature was going to give me this year, I wonder if when I wake up tomorrow and look in the mirror she will take pity on me for being alone and not waking up to someone who cares about me to kiss me and hug me and wish me a happy birthday , maybe she will take pity on me for the overflowing sadness in my heart when I think this is the last birthday I will get to talk to my grandmother on… maybe she will take pity on me and decide to speed up my metabolism so I can eat all the birthday cake I want and not gain 5 lbs just for looking at it …lucky for me there wont be any bday cake this year so I wont have to worry about that lol

In the past I always made my own bday plans, I either picked a bar or restaurant and told everyone I knew when and where so they could join me for some laughs and drinks but after all the years of doing that I am taking a break and spending it alone.

Yes I know it sounds like I am having a pity party for one already so who needs a bday party too, greedy right? lol

I am just stating why this birthday is harder for me than most and these are the things I am going through right now so this is why I am the way I am lately and why I would much rather just sleep through the day tomorrow and pretend like it never happened.

I just have to accept the fact that the days of birthday parties are far behind me, the days ahead will be of trying to fill my time doing things that make me happy and that isn’t a bad thing it is just lonely sometimes when you have no one special to share anything with…like birthdays for instance

So the dreaded 39 will come and go and life will go on … happy birthday to me.

*edit*

I thought I was going to be all alone on my bday but last minute plans were made and the day actually turned out to be nice and not as bad as I thought it would be.

My ex husband took me out to lunch then I spent the afternoon shopping with my mom who sent me home with a backseat full of bday gifts, without which I would have had none so that was nice. Then my cousin, who is my closest friend in the world took me out to dinner to a new place and then to drinks and ended the day perfectly… I was a happy girl in the end, and a lucky one I know.

I couldn’t kill it and I feel horrible…

A lot of you are going to think this little story sounds ridiculous and it probably is but when I think about it I just feel awful.

Friday night after work I went to grab dinner at a place down the street. When I came back to my car after dinner approaching the front end of my car I saw a beautiful large yellow monarch butterfly on my bumper…the closer I got though the sadder I became because it looked as though it was dead and caught in my headlight…

Then the most awful thing happened, it wiggled. Omg it was still alive and trapped! I put my takeout on the hood and dropped my purse and I gently slid it’s trapped wing out and placed it on the hood of my car.

It tried to fly away, it flapped its one wing and gave a little hop but could not take flight, its other wing was crinkled…

I very gently tried to smooth out its wing hoping that would help somehow… I placed it on the ground and it still could not fly it just walked around and it broke my heart.

I know the humane thing would have been to kill it so it would not suffer and I stood there for a short while considering it as I fought back tears from the anguish I was feeling over the tiny life of this beautiful little butterfly.

How strange that such a thing can happen… perhaps it would not bother most people… I am sure a lot of people would have just drove off leaving it there on the bumper but when I saw it trapped and alive I couldn’t do it… and I still feel guilty driving away ;leaving it there wobbling on the ground… why does that bother me so?

I always thought I would be the person that would be able to take a life if it meant ending misery … for example the scenario has played in my mind often of what I would do if I saw a half dead animal on the side of the road suffering in pain as its life was ebbing away… I always thought I would be able to give it the last blow to make the suffering end but now after failing the test with nothing but an insect I do not think I could do that… what does that say about me?

Does the worth of a life and suffering of a creature mean less just because it is not a human one? I do not think so…and that is why something like this that may seem silly to you actually means something to me.

There is nothing I can do about it now but I can only hope if it happens again I will be able to do the right thing.

*Sigh*

 

Ageing…Vanity…Mortality…Oh MY!

I got my first wrinkles at 38… Fuck me

The morning of my 38th birthday I woke up looked in the mirror and saw it… my first wrinkle on my face… I had a laugh line… happy birthday to me.

What the fuck kind of timing is that? You can’t tell me that Mother Nature is not real and that she doesn’t have a twisted sense of humor… she is and she does.
That is some fucked up shit that you never forget, to wake up on your damned birthday and find a crack in your face!

The good news is that I now have a matching set but I can’t tell you when the second one appeared exactly… all I know is that now at least there is balance to my face with 2 laugh line cracks on each side of my aging face…ugh

I will be 39 in 3 months and let me tell you, I am not looking forward to what that bitch plans on giving me this year… maybe it will be something fun like fucking liver spots…

Oh but that isn’t all folks. My hair has thinned and has started breaking off  which has a lot to do with my diet and PCOS as well as with ageing. So after having grown it out nice and long the last year and a half I now have to chop it off in hopes that it will grow back fast. I have started to take Biotin which is supposed to help, wish me luck!

I also have begun to see the skin under my eyes thin and tiny little lines are there too.. yes, more wrinkles…WTF! Yes, I am putting myself under a microscope every time I look in the mirror, I cant help it…

I understand now why my mom, aunt and grandmother always talked about how they wish they could get plastic surgery… they always talked and still talk about getting face lifts and I always told them that was ridiculous. I always told them that wrinkles was a part of life and everyone gets them…and now I understand why they were so bothered…every time I look in the mirror I see my youth escaping me, I see my mortality and so did they…

I get so much now that I am older and experiencing so many changes. So it is not that I am vain, it is that I am sad to see my youth that I wasted has begun to leave me and that the physical beauty we are afforded with our youths is going along with it. It is especially hard for me because growing up, and well basically my whole life until now I never thought I was beautiful..in fact I always felt ugly.

I say I wasted my youth because I never saw myself the way I do now, I never appreciated what I had and I never enjoyed it. It is funny that now, finally, after 38 years I finally get into shape and start a fresh new slate in life that I finally see myself differently, I finally feel beautiful and confident only to have it start to fade away in the mirror.

So for those of view who judge me and make snide comments when I post my “selfies” you can just shove it because I am not doing it for attention, I am doing it because for once in my life I am proud of how I look and I worked really hard to get here.

I am finally after 38 years happy to get dressed in the morning and I know that these next couple of years are all I am going to have to record these last moments before I have aged more and before more wrinkles take over my entire face and body…

So before you judge me or anyone else try and not judge them because you have no idea why people do the things they do and maybe people are doing it for themselves and not for anyone else.

So there are a lot of things I am going through with my hormonal/emotional changes and my physical changes and also with the changes I have made in my lifestyle this past year. So if you are walking into the current chapter in my book of life you have no idea what it took for me to get here so try not to judge until you have stuck around for at least one full chapter.

As always thank you for stopping by and taking the time to read my inner most ramblings,

My love to you all ❤

 

I hope the doctor’s are wrong…

I refuse to believe that this is the last Christmas I get to spend with my grandma.

Her doctor told us she wouldn’t survive another year but I don’t believe it. She seems so much better than the last time I saw her. I thought it was going to be hard being here knowing this and it was but now I think they are wrong.

I’m not going to let myself be brought down because I really feel like she will be here next year…is it wrong to be optimistic?  Am I setting myself up for dissapointment ? Maybe…

So maybe I am in denial just a little bit but I know doctor’s are not always right and she seems so good right now…

Maybe it’s just too hard to believe that when I walk out that door tomorrow and drive back to Ohio that I may not see her again…must every goodbye be a tearful heart wrenching one?

Whatever happens I’m glad I was here… 20151225_104437.jpg

My Last Christmas with grandpa was the most memorable one of my life…

I did not know it would be the last Christmas with my grandfather, I wonder now if he knew it would be and that was the reason he tried to make it so special?

Until I started writing this story just now at this moment, it never occurred to me that he might have known he had cancer and was dying that winter because the following summer on my 9th birthday he died.

I was 8 years old and I was in West Virginia visiting my grandfather with my grandmother. My parents hadn’t arrived yet; they were coming down on Christmas day. I remember the thick green shag carpet and the smell of cigarettes and cologne that permeated the walls like it was yesterday.

My grandfather was a collector of Avon cologne bottles… many of you may not know this unless you are my age or older but back in the day Avon used to sell these really cool bottles of men’s cologne and it stank but the bottles were what you wanted. They came in all shapes and forms and he had them all. He had these shelves that lined his living room back wall and they were stacked full of them, I used to play with them when I visited.

I would set up my Barbie’s and pull down the bottles shaped like cars and horses and play dolls with them. He had this one that was a made to look like a western gun that I kept when he died but it was lost in the shuffle of moving one year… I still have one of them though, the Moose! I will post a picture of it later when I get home… it is the only thing I have left of him besides a gutting knife he used when he would go fishing and it’s such a great thing to have because it was a part of my childhood playing with that moose bottle.

Well to get back to my story, I eight years old and nearly out of my believing in Santa phase, in fact that was the last Christmas I half-heartedly believed. I was laying on the green shag carpet playing with his bottles and my dolls while we watched some holiday program and it was xmas eve and dark outside. My grandpa got up and went to the bathroom, all I will say about that is that when he went in there he was usually gone for a while so what happened next was both confusing and exciting.

All of a sudden I heard bells and what sounded like footsteps on the ROOF! I sat up and listened and looked at my grandma, “did you hear that?” I asked as I looked around the room as if to discover the bells behind the curtain’s… There it was again, bells and footsteps on the roof!!! I ran to the front door and looked out the window and didn’t see anything… I wanted to believe it was Santa but where was grandpa I asked? As I ran around the house like a lunatic…I was too excited at the possibility that it was Santa that I gave up on the notion that it was grandpa and let myself believe he was in the bathroom missing all the fun.

My grandma ushered me to the back door and we went out onto the porch and to my surprise and amazement there was a large sack of gifts sitting there! I had never seen anything like it in my life! I had never been so excited and happy in all my life (as short as it was at 8 years old)

When we came back into the house with the sack of gifts my grandpa was sitting back in his chair in the living room…I can still see his face and the way he looked at me down over his glasses when I ran in followed by my grandma and the sack. “Well, he said… what are you waiting for?” I ripped into that bag and opened those gifts as fast as my hands would unwrap everything. Of course everything I asked for was in that bag, Santa knew what I wanted. It was the most exciting Christmas I ever had in my whole life and I was 8 years old.

It was the last Christmas I ever got to spend with my grandpa…and part of me thinks he knew it would be…part of me knows that he wanted to keep the spirit of Christmas alive in my heart and for me to believe in those magical moments and that is why he put on a show for me and made it the most memorable holiday of my life.

My grandmother told me a few years later when I asked because I had realized what really happened that when we went onto the back porch he snuck back in through the front door and that was how he was there waiting when we came back in…

I like to think that he is up there somewhere watching over me and that he knows how special he made that last Christmas and how it has never left my heart and how I think of it and remember him each and every year.

Here is the Moose cologne decanter… I wish I had pictures of all the ones he had, they were amazing.

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