Healthy Lifestyle! Post #1

Summer is right around the corner and everyone is rushing to the gym for that beach body.

Are you busting ass at the gym but not seeing the results you hoped for? Let us take a look at what some of the reasons why might be.

A lot of people, and I mean a lot have no idea that losing weight and keeping it off is a simple ratio of 80% – 20% …What that means is your body reflects 80% of what you put into your mouth and 20% of your physical activity.

I am going to share with you some easy to do and inexpensive ways to meal prep foods that are delicious and filling and energizing! There will be follow up posts but this is my first get fit and stay fit blog so be sure to “follow” my blog if you care to read more and learn more as I go!

A quick anecdote that some of you may relate to who are working out a lot but still eating take out and fast foods and getting discouraged.

There is a woman that I know who asked me to help write her a meal plan. She asked for my help because I freely offer it to anyone who wants it, you see I have lost and maintained a loss of 150lbs in less than 2 years. My initial weight gain was 100lbs due to my PCOS which required the Sleeve procedure to help me lose it and the doctors said I would lose 70lbs at best due to the procedure alone… but I went on and lost an additional 80lbs!

So because of how hard I worked and continue to work I get a lot of questions and I give as many helpful tips as I can. I even typed up a tips and tools sheet for people who asked me for help and send it out all the time.

Back to the meal plan woman. I asked her to give me a list of foods she didn’t like to eat or couldn’t eat and then I gave her a meal plan. Did she use it? nope. Do I care? nope. I can only give you the tools, it is up to you to use them. I want you to succeed and I will do my best to help you if you but in the end you are the one who has to want it enough to actually do it.

If you are ready to change your life and live a different way thinking about food in a whole new way then the tools I give you WILL WORK! But if you take my tips lose 20lbs and then revert back to your old habits  or incorporate your old habits into your new plan then guess what? Say hello to 40lbs.

That is what happened to another friend of mine. She was doing so great following all of my tips! She lost weight fast too! Then all of a sudden I started seeing her eating foods that I specifically said to stay away from…I know better than to ride people so I let her do what she was already doing, going back to old habits…she gained the weight back she lost plus doubled it.

It is a mental thing guys, why else would someone who is doing so well and seeing great results just stop one day? Some people are not ready mentally to face that change for the rest of their lives, but that is what it takes! Some of you will and should seek out professional help with a therapist because there are a lot of people with emotional eating issues that delve deep into their psyche and only talking to a trained professional will help them unlock the key to thinking about food differently.

In order to change, you have to want better for yourselves! You have to love yourself and your life enough to want to lead a healthier and happier life!

Once you want it bad enough and you start to realize that food is not meant to comfort you it is meant to nourish you then you will be at the start of your journey.

Eating the right foods is the biggest part of change but along with that, side by side guys, is portion control! The more you put on that plate and shovel into your face the biggest your stomach stretches and makes room for even more food!

Portion control all has to do with meal prep and planning, that is the best way to control what you eat and how much and it only has to be done once a week! You pick the day!

So where should I start? The right foods, the right exercise, to portion sizes…

I cannot tell you what the right foods for you will be but I can give you a general guide to healthier options and tell you what to not eat. How to avoid fast food and how to make sure you never go to the vending machine at work again.

#1 Meal Prep & Planning! 

If you are already making excuses in your head about planning your meals ahead of time for 5 days at a time then you are not ready and this will not work for you. I am not going to sugar coat this, if you are lazy and whiny and picky and not willing and ready to start the first day of the rest of your life then you can stop reading now.

Am I saying you can never eat chips or cake or pizza again? HELL NO! Of course I still eat those things on occasion! but the key-term here is moderation. I do not eat them often and when I do its in small portions.

So how do you keep away from fast food and vending machines and take out? You make sure that you have prepared meals for the week ahead of time so that you do not find yourself at work with no lunch and turning to your only option of fast food. That is what happens to people daily and that is how the fast food industry survives, on people who have to resort to eating there because they didn’t prepare.

I choose Sunday for my meal prep day because right now I work a Mon-Fri job. So I get my groceries on Thursday which means I plan my meal for the week ahead a week in advance. I make sure that I buy enough food for breakfast, lunch and dinner for 10 days. I do not count Sat/Sun because on those days I go off of my routine and rest and eat other foods… I do that because in my 5 days meal plan routine I eat pretty much the same thing for 5 days and then sat/sun I can eat anything else I may have been wanting during the week.

Here is an example of my meal prep for this week:

For breakfast every day I eat 1 banana with my bowl of steel cut instant oats, I mix them together and sometimes will add 2 tblspns of peanut butter…it is delicious and filling and super healthy. I have 1 cup of coffee and water as well.

For my midday snack I eat my Dannon light & fit vanilla yogurt but I cut up fresh strawberries or pineapple and add a few pieces of it into the cup.

For lunch I have my to go containers that are a measured container holding 1 cup. I fill that 1 cup with a summer bean and veggie salad. I will post pictures below…but it is tomatoes, cilantro, cucumbers, red onion, bell peppers, a few black olives and black beans. I have 2 different mixtures with 2 different dressings to give myself a little variety in taste during the week. 1 batch (the smaller batch) has cucumber ranch dressing, just 2 tblspns and the larger batch has distilled white vinegar and a little olive oil for the fresh taste. I season with a little pepper and garlic salt.

I take that same bean salad and add a scoop of it to my dinner every night with an added scoop of guacamole on top. I put that on top of my steamed or baked Salmon. I used to swap between the salmon and chicken breast which you can do but now I mainly just eat fish and try to stay away from meats as much as possible though I do still eat it on occasion.

My other go to snack is a Nature Valley Protein bar, they are the best when it comes to sugar and protein content that I have seen in my grocery store. Sesame seeds/pumpkins seeds, Premier Protein Shakes (they are the best with the most protein and only 1gram of sugar)

You Have To Read Labels if you want to know what you are putting into your mouth!!!

So there you see a week in my life of breakfast snack, lunch and dinner.

So now I have my lunches and dinners all pre-made and in the fridge in their containers so all I have to do and grab and go or grab and heat and eat! I do not have to worry about running out to grab food somewhere because I have it all ready and it saves you money too not eating out 5 days a week.

I drink water, 2 cups of coffee and Powerade Zero. That is all that I drink other than the occasional Protein shake when I need a pick me up at the end of the work day.

I know a woman at work who works out many nights after work but she has not lost any weight because all day long at work she is drinking pop, eating bad snack foods and ordering take out nearly every day.

Just because you are working out doesn’t mean you can eat junk food everyday! That is a huge huge misconception… I actually heard her say one day, “well I worked out so hard last night that I can eat this” … nope. That is NOT how it works!

You are never going to see results if that is how you approach food and exercise.

Yes, there are things you are going to need to give up but you can replace those things with better things! Just because it is good for you doesn’t mean you wont like it or cant afford it!

That stuff I bought prepared and will eat for 2 weeks which will equal br-ln-dn 3 meals a day so 30 meals cost meal under $100. That’s fruit, veggies, protein and snacks. Yup.

#2 More Protein Less Sugar and carbs! 

So how do you stay full and how often should you eat?

It is said having a small protein snack every 2 hours from morning till dinner time is optimal but I say eat when you are hungry but DO make sure you are eating 3 meals a day at least.

Eating foods that are filling and give you energy is what keeps you from grabbing a snickers bar midday.

You can google foods high in Protein and make a list of your favorites and start rotating them into your meal plan. Protein is key though! So is cutting your sugar.

Switch to sugar free treats if you must have them, my favorite is chocolate sugar free pudding, cant tell the diff and it definitely hits the spot when I have a chocolate attack.

My favorite sources of protein snacks that I rotate daily that keep my on track and away from junk food are the protein bars, Premier Protein shakes, yogurt (make sure you are buying yogurt that has single digit sugar and double digit protein or else you might as well eat a candy bar), pumpkin and sesame seeds.

My favorite protein for dinner is Salmon or Shrimp or Crab legs! Yum!

Do NOT cut out carbs from your diet! Your body needs some carbs and also when you cut them out and them start to eat them again what do you think happens? You will find that weight you lost almost over night.

You need a little bit of carbs in your diet but not a lot, eat them in moderation and choose carbs that are better for you! You can google Good Carbs vs. Bad Carbs and see what I mean.

Stay away from high sodium/salts because it just makes you retain water and bloats you, trust me on this. #1 offender are canned soups! I say this because so many people think eating soup is healthy for you…NOPE! More on this in a post coming soon though!

So there are the cardinal rules, the Numero Uno & Dos to losing weight and keeping it off: Portion control & Meal prep along with More Protein and less sugar/carbs! That is 80% of the battle!

Now for the other 20%

#3 Exercise!

So exercise doesn’t have to be in a gym, we all know this. it is recommended to get some heart healthy activity in your life 30-40 minutes a day for optimal weight loss and maintaining.

That is a walk a lunch time or after work , start out slow and them ramp it up with speed walking or riding a bike or jogging or running …there are so many options! You have to pick something you enjoy though or you will never stick to it. It is a trial and error thing, do not beat yourself up over it…trying out lots of things can be fun and then when you find a few you enjoy you can rotate them in.

My favorite activities and kayaking, walking, volleyball, yoga, the gym sometimes on rainy cold days, stand up paddle boarding, yard work, nature hikes … I do a lot and keep it interesting because that’s what works for me. You may be a person who needs to focus on one thing to make a routine stick…but the key here is routine!

This all must become a part of your daily life routine so make sure the choices you make are ones you enjoy and know you can live with.

Another example of how someone set themselves up for failure: I know a woman who wanted to get back into shape and knew working out had to be a part of it so she decided to start waking up at 5am everyday to work out before work. She did it for a few weeks then it started to be too hard to roll outta bed that early and eventually she stopped.

Here is why she failed at incorporating this routine into her life. #1 She is not a morning person, never has been. She was pushing herself to wake up early and workout which she also hates to do…so right there she has started off her day in a stressful way!

Do not do this, especially if you work early hours and are not an early to rise and get chores done before work type of person. It will not work for you and you will just get discouraged thinking you are a failure when it isnt you that is a failure it was your plan of action.

If you know you sleep until 20 minutes to start time at work then stay that way, get your rest because getting rest and not stressing yourself out are key to a happy life and being a happy person who is rested and not stressing out of this type of stuff will help you in the end.

Find a way to work in that 30-40 minutes into your day after work, split it up and do half at work on your lunch break, it doesn’t have to be all at once guys! Did you know that? 20 min at lunch and 20 min after work, bust it out!

4 to 5 days a week guys, most of you have 2 days off a week so there are 2 days right there that are easier to work with. Do not make excuses, make a plan!

Ok, so I have given you the basics. I am open to questions. I am not a professional I am just passing along the things I learned along my own journey. I educated myself A LOT and so should you. When you are ready you will do what you need to do and do not give up and call it quits if you fall off the wagon a few times, it will happen! I do it once a month lol Just start again the next day, that is all any of us can do.

If you know anyone who needs to help, tips or advice please pass this along to them. I know that reading other peoples stories helped me along the way…

We are all in this together guys…I wish you the best of luck and please if you have questions I am open to them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Switching Gears…

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I am sure you all know the saying “You never know until you try” Well, my life is taking a turn for the better, and it is because I took a chance on a path and found that it was not for me but in doing so I found out where I truly belong!

When I decided to go back to college and make a better future for myself I had two choices in front of me. Two roads that I have wanted to go down for awhile, both very different from each other yet also similar in that both paths meant getting to have a career where I was helping others, giving back to my community and devoting my life to helping make a better life for someone else.

I felt I wanted to be a Nurse or a Teacher…I decided ultimately that since I was never going to have children of my own that I would become a teacher so that way I could at least work with, teach and be a role model for the children that will someday run this world. I thought I would be a good teacher and I might have been had I gone down that path about 10 or 15 years ago but after being deep in this program for the last year I know for sure now that this is not the path for me.

I started thinking that I should have gone into nursing early in the semester and the more I got into this field the more I knew I needed to go with my first instinct, I need to follow my gut and intuition and follow my what my aunt a retired nurse said was my “calling” into nursing.

I really just want to do something with my life that is meaningful in a big way and makes a difference to someone else’s life. I want to spend the rest of my life helping people and giving to them in any way I can that will add to their life somehow. I want to know that I was able to help at least one person in some meaningful way and I cannot think of a better way to do that than to be a Nurse.

So I finally bit the bullet and met with the adviser and got my new course list and start my new path this coming Fall. Luckily I already had all but 2 of the prerequisite courses done and not only that but I also found out that I earned a 2nd degree while taking my education classes so I will have 3 degrees when I finish nursing school and will add a 4th the year after since nurses now need a BSN within the first 5 years of graduating… easy online though… so anyway, this is where I am at now and I feel really good about this decision!

I do not view the time I spent in the education program as a failure or time misspent at all because I learned a lot that I will take with me in life. I also learned that being a school teacher was not the path for me and like my ex husband said to me, had I not done it I would have always wondered…and now I can say with 100% certainty that I am looking forward to starting my life and future as a Nurse!

I only wish I had figured it out sooner and had the confidence to do it sooner but life has a funny way of showing us when we are ready and the universe has definitely showed me that now is my time.

Fall classes are registered as math: Statistics, Anatomy & Physiology 1 with a lab and finally: Intro to patient care … 4 nights a week from 8/28 to 12/17 …The beginning to my ending …

I am super excited and thank you all for your support and kind words as always, I truly appreciate each and every one of you and as I am pulling out my hair during the next several semesters and stressing out like I do I thank you in advance for cheering me on and reminding me of this moment right now when my heart is full of hope and excitement for my future ❤

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My Shift in Consciousness: Self Love

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I have been building up to this revelation all year long, I have been a “work in progress” on my journey of self discovery and being single again as a confident middle aged  woman.

I was waiting for it to happen, I was hoping it would but not sure that it would or how long it would take but it felt like over night it happened, my shift in consciousness is finally complete.

I was floundering there for several months as I was trying to figure it all out…being newly single again after being married and with my ex spouse for 8 years. I went through a normal rebound period and a normal phase of dating sprees and sexual conquests, but then I told myself to stop.

I knew it was time to just be alone on my own and look inside… I did what I said I would do and took down all of my online dating apps and bought myself some “self help” books on the joys of being single.

I didn’t buy them because I didn’t know how to be single, I bought them because I know the value of hearing words from others who have been where I am and I know those words can be empowering and reinforce my intentions and notions of my life and who I am and where I AM GOING. I was right… doing all of these steps simultaneously lead me to where I am right now both mentally and emotionally happy and “relieved”.

I say relieved because that is how I feel…I feel like a weight has been lifted and that stress that was there in my gut, my head and my heart is gone. I haven’t slept this well in years, I haven’t been this happy to be alone in my entire life!

I asked myself a lot of questions during my period of self reflection and the biggest one was why was I trying so hard to meet someone? I mean really…what the F was I doing?

I looked at my life and I looked hard, trust me…no one is as hard on you as you are yourself lol

I feel kind of silly looking over the last year but I also know that it had to happen to get me here. Everyone has to go through something that pushes them to the next phase of life and I am finally here…

I was not ready and am not ready to be in a monogamous relationship with anyone, I know that now. I have way too much on my plate for that…I know that relationships are work and require the time and devotion that I cannot give…not until I am done with school.

My number one goal and focus is school because the most important person in my life is ME. No one else is going to take care of me and I wouldn’t want to depend on anyone else but me honestly. Only I can take care of me and I know that finishing school and getting a secure and good job that makes me happy is what I need in order to reach my fullest potential and be the best version of myself that I can be.

So what was I doing all that time and why was it so important to find someone all those months I asked myself?

Really, I guess I just missed companionship and I was afraid I would never have that again…never share passionate moments again or have anyone to just share my life and adventures with…it is normal to feel these things though.

So do I just not care about that stuff now? No, not exactly…it is just the way I think about it now that has changed.

As far as sharing good times and adventures goes, I know I can do that with friends and family and also alone…

Passionate moments? I am not saying I will not have some fun… I mean come on, I am human and I have needs like anyone else lol but having fun does not require commitment … just sayin’

I am in no rush to ever get married again and if I do it is going to be with someone I have taken my time with but honestly right not marriage is not on my radar…at all…

I am perfectly happy being single…I work full time AND go to school full time and I am having so much fun and planning and going on so many adventures that my life is really full and honestly unless someone came along who could really add to it I cant see myself being anyone’s “girlfriend” at least not until I am done with school and in the next phase of my life where I am finally in my chosen career.

I am in a dangerous place too of being single forever because I now see the value in it and with that comes its own set of benefits and also negatives but really at this stage I cant look that far ahead…every day is different and every year is soooo different than the last that I do not know and cannot predict what the future will hold so I am not going to try and that has also given me a lot of relief.

I was focused on the future so much and my fears and worries of what might not happen that I wasn’t living for today…those days are gone friends. I cannot tell you how far up in the clouds I have been walking lately but I have never felt this happy, light and stress free in all of my single days as I do now.

So if I happen to meet someone great but I am not out there looking for anyone, if it happens it happens and if it doesn’t so be it…I have so much more to live for and I love myself and my life and everything I have planned to do and man do I have soooo many plans!!!

I am in love with my life! I am in love with myself! I am Love!

I posted a blog a few weeks ago about being alone and single on valentines day for the 2nd year in a row but I deleted it after I had my revelation because now I see the value of valentines day and it has nothing to do with being in a relationship! The day is about LOVE! I love myself so I am celebrating that love by buying myself some flowers and throwing a dinner party for my single friends!

I bought myself a pretty dress and invited friends over next weekend so I could help remind them that that the day has nothing to do about couples, it has to do with LOVE and loving yourself and being happy with yourself is the most important relationship you will ever have…because after all, people will come and go by choice or by death in our lives and in the end we are left with ourselves…so you really need to be happy with yourself and your life!

I am so excited about this and so excited to be entering this new phase of my life and I look forward to sharing more with you all about my adventures and happiness is my new self discoveries as it unfolds.

Be good to yourselves, treat yourself with the love, care and respect that you feel you deserve…Just Love yourself ❤

The Hardest Speech of My Life…

letter

If you click on that link above you will find a letter I wrote to my grandmother many years ago. It is not a typical letter, it was something I wrote and put in a card… a snapshot of a day in her life if you will.

Over the years  I wrote her many cards and letters, our bond was a special one…she raised me and so I got to have a mother and grandmother relationship with her.

I am going to add more to this post later because there is so much I want to share and say about her but for right now I will just share this one story about the day I had to say goodbye forever.

My grandmother, my heart, passed away on 12/6/16 and I tried to write the words to say that expressed my love and gratitude for her… I wanted to speak at her funeral because I know she would like that and deserved that.

No matter how I tried I couldn’t find the words, nothing was good enough…

Then on the night of her “showing” my cousin the pastor who was giving service the next day asked if any of us would like to speak…I wanted to say yes but hadn’t been able to find the words yet and then my aunt stepped forward and said my gramma gave her a letter I had written her that she wanted to be read at her funeral. I was speechless…and grateful…and touched…and missed her so much more at that moment.

My aunt gave the letter to me and said while they were going through files when my grandfather passed 3 years earlier she found this and told my aunt she wanted it read at her own funeral.

I read it not having any idea what it said because I had sent her so many over the years..but when I read it I understood why…and here I couldn’t find the words because I had already written them so many years before.

That letter described her as I remembered her when I lived with her, truly a snapshot of her everyday life…I think she knew I would want to say something and that letter in particular was her favorite because it was so true … it was perfect.

I was shaking horribly…but I read it through to the end…and I am glad that I did because a part of me knows she heard me.

I am going to write something soon about her life so you might know a little about what a wonderful woman she was, stay tuned ❤

I rcvd a lot of messages from people who knew her and didnt know her all offering heartfelt condolences and I appreciated that so much, thank you everyone. For those who wanted to be there but couldnt I attached the funeral notice for you in the link below.

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Sharing Beauty, Joy and Love…

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Like many people I share pictures of my adventures on Facebook. I share my happy moments and the things that make my heart light up and the times that bring joy to my life…I love life and I want to share these things with everyone because I know that some people need to see and feel these things too…

I try in my own little way to show others how easy it is to find joy in the simple things in life, how accessible it is to find the beauty that surrounds us all daily… I know sometimes it is hard to see outside of our own bubble and that many of us live in dark bubbles a lot of the time. A lot of people do not talk about their issues and so a lot of people have no idea what they are going through and for these people who carry it in silence I can relate.

We all carry things and we all try to keep going and find a way to see a way out but it is so easy to get wrapped up in life and forget the simple pleasures, it is so easy to forget how easy it is to let ourselves be happy…no matter how small or quick the moment is, you have to stop and appreciate it and carry it with you so you can remember that there are so many more moments like that out there and then you will begin see them come to you more often the more you appreciate them.

So in my own way part of what I do to share these moments with others is not just enjoying the sunsets and keeping that moment to myself but enjoying that beauty and sharing it with as many people as I can so they too can see the beauty right outside their doors. To know that all they have to do is step outside for five minutes to see they beauty in the world around them…to know that there is a way to find peace and be one with nature if only for a brief moment in the day, that moment could turn your whole day around.

So when I am out in my kayak on the water, watching the clouds on a beautiful sunny day, amazed at the light show in a thunderstorm or sitting at the beach watching a sunset and I feel that joy from the beauty around me filling me up inside and I feel that love for life… I want to share it because I hope that I can help someone else see that beauty and feel that joy and hopefully it will help them to seek it out for themselves and to find that love for life that they need is right outside their door…

Perhaps I just see things differently than most people, and I know that appreciating the beauty in life around me doesn’t solve all of my problems but it sure does change my perspective and attitude towards life and what is important to me and I think that is a huge step in the right direction for anyone.

So if I can do anything at all to help at least one person out there see life that way too, then that gives my life purpose. If I can help one person step outside of their bubble long enough to breathe deep and see that there is so much more out there for them than their current situation and so many ways to find happiness and love than they know… then my life has purpose.

What is beautiful to me may not be beautiful to you but if it moves you to seek out those things that do make you happy, if seeing what stirs my soul inspires you in any way to seek out your joy then it is worth it.

For my blog followers who are not my facebook friends I will start sharing these pictures and moments as well, the more people I can share this beauty and love of life with the better… We do not know how much time we are allotted here on earth and at any moment it can be all be taken away from us…why not love every beautiful moment?

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The Dreaded 39…

So, the day I have been dreading all month arrives tomorrow, the 29th of June…when I turn *gulp* 39

Most people have this problem with milestones like 40 or 50 but for me this birthday makes me sad for more than the most obvious reason of being another year older.

This year is the first birthday since my divorce and being single on your birthday means no birthday hugs or kisses or extra special gifts like birthday sex lol

This is also is tough birthday because it may very well be the last one I have with my grandmother still alive. She was supposed to be here for my birthday, my aunt was going to drive her up here from West Virginia but my grandmother fell twice last week and is in too much pain for a long car ride and I understand that and I feel bad that she is hurting so I am going to drive down there as soon as I can for a visit.

I’ll just add this to the list since it is on my mind too…This year marks the 30th anniversary of my grandfather’s death, yep he died on the morning of my 9th birthday. That was such a messed up day for so many reasons and I get to remember it every year…so there’s that little gem.

This day also marks the start of my last year in my thirties, which is the least of my worries because age is a natural part of life and happens to us all and I know this but it still bothers me just a little bit because my life is so different t from where I thought it would be at this age, so much has changed in just the past year…I am a completely different person than I was this time last year…

Last year I woke up to find a crack in my face on my birthday, my first visible wrinkle… a laugh line that no longer disappears when I stop laughing…I wrote a blog about that when its twin appeared. I now have a matching set but I wondered what mother nature was going to give me this year, I wonder if when I wake up tomorrow and look in the mirror she will take pity on me for being alone and not waking up to someone who cares about me to kiss me and hug me and wish me a happy birthday , maybe she will take pity on me for the overflowing sadness in my heart when I think this is the last birthday I will get to talk to my grandmother on… maybe she will take pity on me and decide to speed up my metabolism so I can eat all the birthday cake I want and not gain 5 lbs just for looking at it …lucky for me there wont be any bday cake this year so I wont have to worry about that lol

In the past I always made my own bday plans, I either picked a bar or restaurant and told everyone I knew when and where so they could join me for some laughs and drinks but after all the years of doing that I am taking a break and spending it alone.

Yes I know it sounds like I am having a pity party for one already so who needs a bday party too, greedy right? lol

I am just stating why this birthday is harder for me than most and these are the things I am going through right now so this is why I am the way I am lately and why I would much rather just sleep through the day tomorrow and pretend like it never happened.

I just have to accept the fact that the days of birthday parties are far behind me, the days ahead will be of trying to fill my time doing things that make me happy and that isn’t a bad thing it is just lonely sometimes when you have no one special to share anything with…like birthdays for instance

So the dreaded 39 will come and go and life will go on … happy birthday to me.

*edit*

I thought I was going to be all alone on my bday but last minute plans were made and the day actually turned out to be nice and not as bad as I thought it would be.

My ex husband took me out to lunch then I spent the afternoon shopping with my mom who sent me home with a backseat full of bday gifts, without which I would have had none so that was nice. Then my cousin, who is my closest friend in the world took me out to dinner to a new place and then to drinks and ended the day perfectly… I was a happy girl in the end, and a lucky one I know.

I couldn’t kill it and I feel horrible…

A lot of you are going to think this little story sounds ridiculous and it probably is but when I think about it I just feel awful.

Friday night after work I went to grab dinner at a place down the street. When I came back to my car after dinner approaching the front end of my car I saw a beautiful large yellow monarch butterfly on my bumper…the closer I got though the sadder I became because it looked as though it was dead and caught in my headlight…

Then the most awful thing happened, it wiggled. Omg it was still alive and trapped! I put my takeout on the hood and dropped my purse and I gently slid it’s trapped wing out and placed it on the hood of my car.

It tried to fly away, it flapped its one wing and gave a little hop but could not take flight, its other wing was crinkled…

I very gently tried to smooth out its wing hoping that would help somehow… I placed it on the ground and it still could not fly it just walked around and it broke my heart.

I know the humane thing would have been to kill it so it would not suffer and I stood there for a short while considering it as I fought back tears from the anguish I was feeling over the tiny life of this beautiful little butterfly.

How strange that such a thing can happen… perhaps it would not bother most people… I am sure a lot of people would have just drove off leaving it there on the bumper but when I saw it trapped and alive I couldn’t do it… and I still feel guilty driving away ;leaving it there wobbling on the ground… why does that bother me so?

I always thought I would be the person that would be able to take a life if it meant ending misery … for example the scenario has played in my mind often of what I would do if I saw a half dead animal on the side of the road suffering in pain as its life was ebbing away… I always thought I would be able to give it the last blow to make the suffering end but now after failing the test with nothing but an insect I do not think I could do that… what does that say about me?

Does the worth of a life and suffering of a creature mean less just because it is not a human one? I do not think so…and that is why something like this that may seem silly to you actually means something to me.

There is nothing I can do about it now but I can only hope if it happens again I will be able to do the right thing.

*Sigh*