Those Bittersweet Life Changing Moments…

I have had a huge life changing decision weighing on my shoulders for the last 7 months and I didn’t know what I would do for sure until a week ago.

I knew what I should do but there was a big part of me that wanted to do the other thing, and ten years ago I probably would have…but with age comes wisdom and so I did the responsible thing instead.

You see, in December of 2016 my grandmother passed away and she raised me so when she passed she included me in her will to receive equal parts of the inheritance and I knew what was coming I just wasn’t sure when but it came sooner than expected… I originally said to myself and to friends and family that I was going to take that money & pay a few bills then get a few surgeries done that I have been wanting to get the last few years.

In the last 6 years I have had 4 pretty big surgeries that have left scars and tissue damage and loose skin in some spots… I had convinced myself that no one would ever love me if they saw me naked… that no one could ever look beyond the things that remain hidden under clothes all day long and love or desire me for me… I convinced myself that my worth lay in my appearance… I feel as if I am invisible to most men my age because I do not fit nicely into the box that so many other women seem to slip into, a box that no man my age ever approaches or wants to open.

In these last seven months I have gone back and forth over how to use this money, this gift.  I look at it as the last gift my grandmother would ever be able to give me…her life’s work and life in the end was given out to each of us as cash and when it is gone, it is gone forever so I really wanted to do something with it that I knew she would be proud of.

The more time that went by and I saw that no man was ever going to ask me out regardless of how I look in clothes or naked the more apparent it became that I didn’t want to be with anyone who could know me and not love me for who I am as a person instead of how I look naked. I may be uncomfortable with myself at times but ultimately I love who I am and how far I have come and yes my body shows the scars and journey it has taken me to get here and if no one can love me for that and for so much more than that, then they do not deserve to have me.

So I decided to instead use that money to build a solid foundation for my future.

My credit has taken quite a hit over the last few years and I know now more than ever that I cannot do the things I want to do and get to the place in life I want to get without good credit, so I used to the money to buy myself a vehicle then I paid off everything except my student loans on my credit report.

I am debt free now aside from my student loans (Doesn’t everyone die owing student loans though, honestly lol) which I will start paying on soon enough. In a few weeks I will get to see my credit score reflect the good choice I think I made, and one my grandmother would approve of.

I set a little aside as a nest egg for me for when I decide where I want to move after school is done and I am going on a European vacation next month as well so all in all I think I made good use and good choices with that gift.

I think someday down the road after I am done with school and officially on to the next chapter of my life that I will revisit the surgeries, for myself… in the meantime if I meet someone special who can see in me more than how I look in a bathing suit then bonus but as of right now I am done feeling inadequate and unattractive and undesirable … I am done feeling invisible.

I am better off alone enjoying my adventures and living my life in exactly the way that makes me happy without worrying about how to please anyone else or how to change myself to make someone else want to be with me.

This is who I am, I fought hard to get here and I work hard every day trying to maintain this life and make an even brighter future and so far I haven’t met anyone that deserves me. I do not want to be with someone who has to get used to the idea of being with me or with someone who wanted someone different but she never came along so I am a good second choice, NO thank you.

I will not settle for less than a man who when he sees me he has to look twice, a man who when he sees me sitting alone somewhere with my book cannot resist asking to join me because he wants to get to know me… a man who after he sees me or talks to me can’t stop thinking about me and wants to know more… a man who puts in the effort and pursues me because he wants to know me and wants to be with me… until that man comes along I will remain single, happily single…perhaps until my dying day.

So the choice I made was to better my life for me, to build a foundation for my future and make my dreams a real possibility and I have my grandmother to thank for that.

I miss her every day and think of her every single night before I sleep and I know if she could she would tell me she was happy with my choice and that my worth lay in so much more than my physical appearance and a man who thinks that is all that is important in a life partner.

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