The Dreaded 39…

So, the day I have been dreading all month arrives tomorrow, the 29th of June…when I turn *gulp* 39

Most people have this problem with milestones like 40 or 50 but for me this birthday makes me sad for more than the most obvious reason of being another year older.

This year is the first birthday since my divorce and being single on your birthday means no birthday hugs or kisses or extra special gifts like birthday sex lol

This is also is tough birthday because it may very well be the last one I have with my grandmother still alive. She was supposed to be here for my birthday, my aunt was going to drive her up here from West Virginia but my grandmother fell twice last week and is in too much pain for a long car ride and I understand that and I feel bad that she is hurting so I am going to drive down there as soon as I can for a visit.

I’ll just add this to the list since it is on my mind too…This year marks the 30th anniversary of my grandfather’s death, yep he died on the morning of my 9th birthday. That was such a messed up day for so many reasons and I get to remember it every year…so there’s that little gem.

This day also marks the start of my last year in my thirties, which is the least of my worries because age is a natural part of life and happens to us all and I know this but it still bothers me just a little bit because my life is so different t from where I thought it would be at this age, so much has changed in just the past year…I am a completely different person than I was this time last year…

Last year I woke up to find a crack in my face on my birthday, my first visible wrinkle… a laugh line that no longer disappears when I stop laughing…I wrote a blog about that when its twin appeared. I now have a matching set but I wondered what mother nature was going to give me this year, I wonder if when I wake up tomorrow and look in the mirror she will take pity on me for being alone and not waking up to someone who cares about me to kiss me and hug me and wish me a happy birthday , maybe she will take pity on me for the overflowing sadness in my heart when I think this is the last birthday I will get to talk to my grandmother on… maybe she will take pity on me and decide to speed up my metabolism so I can eat all the birthday cake I want and not gain 5 lbs just for looking at it …lucky for me there wont be any bday cake this year so I wont have to worry about that lol

In the past I always made my own bday plans, I either picked a bar or restaurant and told everyone I knew when and where so they could join me for some laughs and drinks but after all the years of doing that I am taking a break and spending it alone.

Yes I know it sounds like I am having a pity party for one already so who needs a bday party too, greedy right? lol

I am just stating why this birthday is harder for me than most and these are the things I am going through right now so this is why I am the way I am lately and why I would much rather just sleep through the day tomorrow and pretend like it never happened.

I just have to accept the fact that the days of birthday parties are far behind me, the days ahead will be of trying to fill my time doing things that make me happy and that isn’t a bad thing it is just lonely sometimes when you have no one special to share anything with…like birthdays for instance

So the dreaded 39 will come and go and life will go on … happy birthday to me.

*edit*

I thought I was going to be all alone on my bday but last minute plans were made and the day actually turned out to be nice and not as bad as I thought it would be.

My ex husband took me out to lunch then I spent the afternoon shopping with my mom who sent me home with a backseat full of bday gifts, without which I would have had none so that was nice. Then my cousin, who is my closest friend in the world took me out to dinner to a new place and then to drinks and ended the day perfectly… I was a happy girl in the end, and a lucky one I know.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s