A thought occurred to me today…it was a feeling that I experienced that brought the thought to mind.
I recently decided to do something that I wasn’t sure I should do, something that had been weighing on my mind and heart heavily and instead of just letting it go on and letting myself fall further into my feelings I decided to go ahead and put a stop to it, to separate myself from something that I wanted but knew was never going to happen.
Sometimes we get an idea into our heads and it moves into our heart and stirs us, it makes us want more … but when you know deep down you are never going to get what your heart desires you should walk away from it and give yourself the time and space you need to heal and to let the idea slip out of your mind and in time out of your heart.
I found myself falling deep for someone I started talking to a few months ago but realized after I had already developed feelings and hopes and desires that he was not on the same page… so what did I do? I tried to be okay with the notion of being “just friends” which is what he wanted… I tried really hard but then the horrible thing happened where the longer our friendship went on the more my affections grew…
I had to decide if I was going to continue on this path of talking to him & thinking of him daily , devoting my energy and hopes to a fantasy that was never going to come true all the while knowing that one day he would meet someone that he did want to be more than friends with and knowing how that would crush me even though I want him to have that.
I do want him to be happy… but I decided that my happiness really needs to come first… so I said goodbye… at least for now… until I am able to see him as nothing more than a friend, just as he see’s me… however long that takes…and if he still wants my friendship after I’ve taken the time I need, it will be his.
A friend of mine called it “self preservation” and I guess she is right… protecting myself from the harm I knew would occur if I didn’t step away now.
The funny thing that I felt and thought today though was how I was not letting myself wallow in heartache like I usually do… because this time I told myself that perhaps I have been through this enough times now to know that my heart will be just fine so why wait, why not just be fine now?
Ultimately the fact that he did not share my feelings made it easier as well, it is hard to be truly heart broken when only 1 heart was in the game… but still, I was hurt and my feelings were real so to be able to reason my way out of my normal period of heartache was quite exhilarating.
What a strange revelation to have with yourself… to be confident that this time is no different than any other time nor will it be different than times to come … time is truly the healer of all wounds and so I decided to not let myself pine and miss the idea of him. I mean, he was never mine really… Of course I miss the thought of talking to him daily and the thought that he was thinking of me but soon those things will vanish, I know this.
So perhaps age and experience is what has taught me that we must go through certain things many times before we truly learn from them… perhaps we will continue to be sad and wallow in heartache until it is happened enough to realize that it is just a part of life and it happens to us all and it will continue to happen… it is how we react and bounce back and how we continue on that leads us into the next chapters of our lives…
I feel like I finally turned that page where no matter what happens I know I am going to be OK. I do not fear what is to come, because whatever happens in life, with time; I will always be okay.
There is a kind of relief that comes with this knowledge.. and a sort of freedom and fearlessness…I am not afraid to try again anymore, I am not afraid to get hurt again because it is inevitable but also not as big a deal as I once felt it to be.
This may be one of the most important lessons I have learned in life so far and it only took me 40 years to learn lol ❤