Learning to love my older self…

So 40 has passed and 41 is creeping up on me very quickly… the laugh lines in my face are getting more visible and the twinkle of youth is slowly leaving my eyes… some days looking in the mirror is harder than others especially when you are single and no longer among the young and beautiful…

Some days are harder than others, I don’t always feel “unattractive and lonely” but there are a couple days every month when I do think that I will be single forever and when I do feel like no one is ever going to want to be with me now that 40 is showing on my face and body…these thoughts and seemingly always being left in the friend zone while they continue to online shop swiping right for the younger models can take its toll on your confidence lol

Thankfully those days are few and far between and the rest of the time I am feeling pretty good about myself and where I am and where I am going in life… Sometimes though I need to do something to “celebrate” myself to remind myself of just how much I do love myself and my life.

I do things like take trips to far away places by myself going on adventures and making memories that I can carry with me that bring me back to reality when I am feeling down to remind me that my life is pretty fucking awesome and that this moment of sadness will pass by and tomorrow I will be planning my net adventure.

Two years ago when I was feeling down about myself I did a little photo shoot with just me and my best friend and we had so much fun doing it and it helped me see myself in a different way… that was only 2 years ago and I feel like I already look and feel so different about myself… so we decided to do it again…since I am in a different place in my mindset.

Last time it was because I really felt down about myself and felt like the most unattractive and undesired woman alive… this time it was to capture me at 40… this is how I look today but I am still evolving and changing and growing as a person and though my face and body may age I still feel the same inside… full of life and love and happiness…

I plan to do these little photo shoots every year or so just to mark the changes of time and record how life has changed me on the outside and the inside… because ten years ago… hell, even 20 years ago I did not quite understand things that I am experiencing now… that at the age of 40 life is beginning to show its wear and tear on my face and body but inside where no one can see I still feel the way I did 20 years ago…

I still feel young and joyful and full of love and hope inside… sure I have learned a lot and I do not have the energy that I used to have and am beginning to fear and see how that is going to change my life as I continue to age but the fact is that I get to age!

I am lucky enough to get to keep looking forward to more time in this body on this earth and as fast as the first 40 years went I know just how precious the next and last 40 will be so I plan to love every damn minute of it!

I have had an AMAZING life so far! I have done so many wonderful things and made so many fantastical friends along the way and I am still having and planning adventures and think that now at 40 my confidence level is at an all time high and there are no limits to what I can do and I know that… it really changes the game… to know that if you want it bad enough nothing can stand in your way, as long as you put in the work to get there.

I am smashing goals and creating the future for myself that I know I deserve and I know that if somewhere along the way I do not find a special someone that loves all of this about me that wants to share this adventure called life with me then I will be just fine doing it alone.

So this is me, feeling alive and full of love and fabulous at 40!


Dating Sites & Single Life…

I have never been one to give up on something I want, I never raised the white flag or let anyone or anything defeat me but this time I just do not know if it is a fight I can continue on with. Dating and looking for love seems to be a losing battle for me.

I have tried and I have let hope guide me that one day I would meet that person that would make me want more and that he too would want the same from me… Every time I thought I was close though something went wrong and this last time was all my fault, I think that hurts most… knowing that if I had done 1 thing differently I might still be happily getting to know someone special…

The whole idea of dating sites make me nervous and uneasy, you just never know who you are going to meet. I started to use them 2 years ago after my divorce and actually got lucky and met a lot of nice guys but they just weren’t right for me so I decided to take a break from dating and concentrate on myself more but a year later and here I am kind of lonely…not desperate just lonely.

I’m not looking for just anyone, I’m looking for that someone special and that’s why it’s hard because you swipe left 1000 times to find 1 maybe who turns out to be a definitely and then when something goes wrong you have to start all over again…it sucks.

So no I’m not desperate, I am human. I miss human physical contact and emotional connections etc… So I decided to try the online dating thing again. I only met 2 guys, the first one was super nice, we are even FB friends now but there was no sexual chemistry there and that is ok, that will happen. The second guy was the one that made my heart race a little bit and who made me smile every time I got a text from him but that was short lived… I screwed it up.

I have been out of the dating world and alone for so long that I just fumbled it all up, I guess I just really do not know how to do this.. I am afraid I will be single forever lol… I wish he could had been a little more patient with me but he didn’t even really know me so had no idea what was going on with me and it sucks because I really wanted to know him better but I think I missed my chance…

I know he isn’t the only guy in the world but I think maybe it doesn’t matter anymore, at my age I am afraid I missed my chance at finding love… I am afraid at this stage of my life I will never find anyone who will give me a chance or who will ever see me as someone they could or would want to love and share their life with…

Using those sites is exhausting and discouraging and with my schedule it isn’t possible to meet anyone any other way so I am kind of stuck here on this planet all alone with no prospects of ever not being single unless I continue to use them…


I don’t want to say that I am giving up because that isn’t me, I guess I just am saying I am starting to believe that it just isn’t ever going to happen for me… it is a logical conclusion to draw being 40 and single and no idea how to meet someone and then keep them around…

Those dating sites make it super hard because if you are not exactly thier idea of perfect they can just continue to swipe and are probably talking to multiple people at once already which kinda sucks…

I know that when I am talking to someone I will not talk to others and will even take my profile down until I know if there was a connection or not but that is just me, I guess I am “old school” lol

So until I find another great guy that I don’t screw up with or who will at least not get scared away if I have a bad day and screw up by saying something I don’t mean…it is the single life for me, yo ho ho and a bottle of wine lol

I am a Lot of things but…

Fearless is not one of them.

I have lost count of the people, both family and friends who have used the word fearless when describing me lately. You need to know that I am not that person.

Of course I am afraid, of a lot actually.

Yes I do things that make you think I am not but there is fear in my heart when I do them.

I have to force myself to do the things I do because I know if I did not I would be missing out on life!

Every time I get on a plane by myself and venture out on new adventures, I am terrified. I am also excited, but also terrified.

Any time I open up my heart and tell someone how I really feel, I am terrified.

You guys, yesterday I ate a pumpkin spiced Twinkie, I was terrified but I ate it… and now I know to never ever eat another one again LOL!

There will be times that you need to do the things that scare you, sometimes it will reward you with a happy memory other times it will be a lesson of what not to do next time.

Sometimes people tell you the things you did not realize you needed to hear and these last couple of weeks I have been getting an ear full… I am so grateful for the love of my friends and family and that they cared enough to share the following things with me because these are now the happy thoughts that warm my heart ❤

I had 2 aunts from both sides of my family tell me I was fearless in the same week and I felt humbled but I also needed them to know that it wasn’t easy for me to do the things I have done, it took a lot of energy and effort but it also gave me some of the most rewarding experiences of my life.

My one aunt told me something that made me look at the way I live my life in a new special way, I can’t stop replaying it in my mind… it left such a warm place in my heart.

She told me that while I was away on my vacation hopping from country to country by myself that her daughter, my cousin, received an invitation to a party of a co worker and that she was nervous to go alone and almost didn’t go but that when she saw one of my posts of me on my trip she said to herself, “if my cousin can go to other countries by herself I can go to this party by myself” wow, that really made me feel good inside, to think that just by following my heart and living my dreams that it could give someone else the confidence they needed to do something.

I had another friend also tell me she had wanted to plan a trip on her own for years and that after seeing me on mine she actually started planning her trip finally…

I had another friend tell me she thinks it is exciting being around me because I am a “take the bull by the horns” no nonsense kind of woman who follows her heart and makes life exciting… wow ❤

This is what life is about if you ask me, living in such a way that it inspires others to follow their own dreams and conquer their own fears.

It is normal to be nervous and afraid of things, as we get older you would think it would be less scary but it gets more scary because you get to see just how many things can go wrong…but you can’t focus on that stuff because something will always go wrong…you just have to learn how to adjust and keep moving forward when it does.

I think a lot of people have a hard time doing things on their own but I have learned to embrace it because this is my life, I am alone and life is short so I must continue to do the things that make my heart happy even though I must do them alone. At first it was hard going to dinner or the movies or to a concert by myself but like anything in life the more you do it the easier it becomes.

Of course I want to find someone to share my life and happiness with, someone to share adventures with and someone to love and support but this also scares me. Every time I open myself up to someone I open myself up to the hurt that follows when it doesn’t work out… but I have learned to welcome the rejection because to me, now, it just means that the right one is still out there and that this person was not the partner I was waiting for. It hurts a little less now when I approach it that way.

So yes, it scares me to open up my heart and let someone in but I cannot let it stop me from doing it because one of these times I will meet the person that loves what he discovers in me and he will be the greatest adventure of my life. Until that day comes, and it may never come I know, I will continue to live my life to the fullest of my ability. Conquering my fears and following my heart.

So yes, I am a lot of things and I love living my life and am grateful every day that I know anything is possible and I will always follow my heart but I am not fearless at all…I am just decisive…I know what I like and what makes me happy so I choose to do that, every single day.

This is why I like to share my life and adventures with others, why I write blog posts and post all of my selfies on FB, because sometimes there is someone out there that needs to see it is possible to follow your dreams and catch them so that they will have the confidence to know that they can catch theirs too.


My Unwavering Optimism


I believe that ANYTHING is possible! I do not place limitations on my happiness or my dreams and goals!

In believing that anything is possible I also believe that everything happens for a reason and so if I am working towards something and it doesn’t turn out as expected or if an obstacle pops up in my path, there is a reason and so I adjust.

Life is a gamble and every day we roll the dice, some days we are going to come out on top but most of the time we are pulling even and that is ok too. You have to expect to lose every now and then; it is just natural and the way of things.

Some people roll the dice every day and some people keep them tucked away afraid that they may lose but you cannot let that fear keep you from taking the chances that may lead you to the greatest adventures of your life!

Life is so very short, we are only allotted so much time to chase our hearts desires, so why put limitations on what those things are? Why not spend your life making yourself happy in any way possible? Nothing is out of reach if you want it enough, where there is a will there is a way, truly.

I never let others negativity get in my way, you would not believe the amount of people in my life who keep saying “that will never work, or that isn’t possible” wow… If I listened to any of those people I would have never gone on my first vacation alone overseas, I would have never packed all my things and moved to a foreign country, I would have never gone on a 5 country adventure on my own and I would never do a lot of things…

I just see things and life a lot differently than most people I know I suppose. I just know that if there is something I want to do that I can and will do it, period. I know that you cannot control people and you cannot control most things so I try to go with the flow, what will be will be… I can only do what I can and be who I am and let life unfold as it will.

I wish more people would realize that you cannot control the world around you, things like wars and politics and religion, there is nothing you can do to change any of that… so do not let it destroy your own little world. You can help people and causes that are dear to your heart and try to make the world a better place but really that is all you can do. Using your time and energy to actually help someone make the world a better place is time better spent than sitting around being an unhappy person while complaining and doing nothing else but spreading negativity.

My life is already half over, kinda scary to think really seeing how fast the first half came and went. I appreciate how fragile and short life is and how little time I have left. I will continue to live every day with a grateful heart and I will continue to follow my dreams wherever my heart may lead me.

I feels things deeply and I live and do things with the fire of my passion driving me, I really do not know how to live any other way.. it is just who I am and I kinda love life and it seems to be working out pretty well so I think the only thing to do is continue on!

It would be great to meet someone someday who could appreciate that about me and that was sort of similar so we could live the rest of our lives having adventures together, making the world a better place with our love… sounds sappy and romantic I know but that is how I feel.

I think the biggest gamble we all take is love, trusting someone with our hearts, trusting someone enough to open up and share all of you with one person… it is certainly risky business. A lot of people set restrictions on love and what they think it should be and how it should be… I think restrictions narrow the playing field too much… I mean if you have it set in your mind that you will absolutely not move out of state for love then what happens if you meet the love of your life on vacation and he lives in another country?  Would you really just give up and hope to settle for someone else just because they live close to home?

No way. Life wasn’t meant to be lived in a box. If you meet that person and fall in love and you are able to move then you do it. Life can be lived anywhere happily if you are a happy person and love life. Meeting that person is only going to make it better, moving to that new state or city or country might just be the greatest adventure of your life… so why tell yourself that you can’t do it? I wouldn’t hesitate to move if something like that happened to me, location means little… home is where your heart is ❤

I think if you want to be happy all you have to do is let yourself be. It isn’t as though I haven’t been through hard times and seen things I wish I hadn’t, I have, and that’s life. You can’t let it stop you; you have to keep on moving forward, no matter what. Things will happen, you will get disappointed, a lot … you will get your heart broken, you will lose friends and family along the way… but as long as you are alive you have a life to live, so make the most of it! Love every moment! Do the things that make your heart happy!

If I can help to inspire one person in this world to follow their heart and live their dreams by living my own then there really isnt more I can ask out of life.

You deserve to love your life, so start a new today and start doing just that ❤



My Rose Tinted Glasses…

20170817_175236I have had a few people say that I wear rose colored glasses, as if I didn’t already know lol!

It is a choice, a choice to see things in the best possible light, a choice to be positive and happy in life. I am an eternal optimist and romantic… I am of a dying breed these days.

I absolutely believe that everything happens for a reason, I believe in destiny and a grand design… I believe that everything will work out in the end exactly the way it was meant to and that the best things come to those who wait for them because my grandmother said so and she was always right lol

No one comes into our lives by accident and nothing happens to us without cause or reason… sometimes it just takes a moment to sit back and see it all, to actually notice the web we are weaving and see how everyone and everything really are connected… it pulls us all together in the great puzzle of life. Some pieces will not fit and they will be set aside for the ones that do, that is just a part of life, but perhaps all of those pieces that didn’t fit make up their own little puzzle picture? I believe that our lives while having the 1 big picture are also made up of many little ones along the way.

I do not give up on anything without a fight but I do know when to hang up my gloves. My glasses are tinted but my feet are also placed firmly on the ground of reality. I just choose to see things in a happier light because life is so very short and if I can choose to be happy about things then why would I choose to not be happy? It seems like such a waste of precious time to waste a day being unhappy when life is so full of so many things to be grateful for.

I am a huge proponent of making the most of every moment, of making memories special and of letting those who are dear to me know it as often as possible. It is just a normal part of life for me because I know how fragile we are and how soon it could be over and so I find something in every single day to smile about, something in every day to love… even if it is just the sun rise on my way to work or the sunset on my drive home or even the silly snapchat filters that I take my selfies with that crack me up daily lol

I think a lot of people are afraid to be happy because they know the pain and hurt of heartbreak and disappointment. I think as we age it is normal to put up walls to protect ourselves, we have all been hurt and seen the dark side of life and so when something or someone comes along that we think we could enjoy or love instead of getting excited and lifting off into the clouds we let our fears cripple us and keep us from enjoying every moment…

Heartbreak is hard and seems to get harder the older you get even though we have been there before but it doesn’t have to be so hard and we can enjoy the moments and get excited and fall in love if we just let ourselves. If you can just sit back and think for a moment about the design of things and how the universe has lead you to each moment and person in life for a purpose and reason then you will know that if it doesn’t work out then that just means there is something else even greater out there waiting for you, you just have to keep looking and keep hope alive!

In the meantime though it is ok to hope and dream and wish for that thing that you know will make you happy and your life fulfilled, whether it is a job or a pet or a person to share your love and life with… your life is so very short so you might as well enjoy every moment that presents itself, remember there is a purpose for everything and perhaps it was all leading you to something happening in your life this very moment, right now!

So please, be good to yourself, enjoy every moment of your beautiful life and feel excited about possibilities without fear of the “what ifs” just let go and let yourself be happy because what will happen will happen and life will continue on whether or not you wear the glasses or not… it is a choice we all make every day, make the choice to let yourself be happy, put on the glasses.




Switching Gears…


I am sure you all know the saying “You never know until you try” Well, my life is taking a turn for the better, and it is because I took a chance on a path and found that it was not for me but in doing so I found out where I truly belong!

When I decided to go back to college and make a better future for myself I had two choices in front of me. Two roads that I have wanted to go down for awhile, both very different from each other yet also similar in that both paths meant getting to have a career where I was helping others, giving back to my community and devoting my life to helping make a better life for someone else.

I felt I wanted to be a Nurse or a Teacher…I decided ultimately that since I was never going to have children of my own that I would become a teacher so that way I could at least work with, teach and be a role model for the children that will someday run this world. I thought I would be a good teacher and I might have been had I gone down that path about 10 or 15 years ago but after being deep in this program for the last year I know for sure now that this is not the path for me.

I started thinking that I should have gone into nursing early in the semester and the more I got into this field the more I knew I needed to go with my first instinct, I need to follow my gut and intuition and follow my what my aunt a retired nurse said was my “calling” into nursing.

I really just want to do something with my life that is meaningful in a big way and makes a difference to someone else’s life. I want to spend the rest of my life helping people and giving to them in any way I can that will add to their life somehow. I want to know that I was able to help at least one person in some meaningful way and I cannot think of a better way to do that than to be a Nurse.

So I finally bit the bullet and met with the adviser and got my new course list and start my new path this coming Fall. Luckily I already had all but 2 of the prerequisite courses done and not only that but I also found out that I earned a 2nd degree while taking my education classes so I will have 3 degrees when I finish nursing school and will add a 4th the year after since nurses now need a BSN within the first 5 years of graduating… easy online though… so anyway, this is where I am at now and I feel really good about this decision!

I do not view the time I spent in the education program as a failure or time misspent at all because I learned a lot that I will take with me in life. I also learned that being a school teacher was not the path for me and like my ex husband said to me, had I not done it I would have always wondered…and now I can say with 100% certainty that I am looking forward to starting my life and future as a Nurse!

I only wish I had figured it out sooner and had the confidence to do it sooner but life has a funny way of showing us when we are ready and the universe has definitely showed me that now is my time.

Fall classes are registered as math: Statistics, Anatomy & Physiology 1 with a lab and finally: Intro to patient care … 4 nights a week from 8/28 to 12/17 …The beginning to my ending …

I am super excited and thank you all for your support and kind words as always, I truly appreciate each and every one of you and as I am pulling out my hair during the next several semesters and stressing out like I do I thank you in advance for cheering me on and reminding me of this moment right now when my heart is full of hope and excitement for my future ❤


My Shift in Consciousness: Self Love


I have been building up to this revelation all year long, I have been a “work in progress” on my journey of self discovery and being single again as a confident middle aged  woman.

I was waiting for it to happen, I was hoping it would but not sure that it would or how long it would take but it felt like over night it happened, my shift in consciousness is finally complete.

I was floundering there for several months as I was trying to figure it all out…being newly single again after being married and with my ex spouse for 8 years. I went through a normal rebound period and a normal phase of dating sprees and sexual conquests, but then I told myself to stop.

I knew it was time to just be alone on my own and look inside… I did what I said I would do and took down all of my online dating apps and bought myself some “self help” books on the joys of being single.

I didn’t buy them because I didn’t know how to be single, I bought them because I know the value of hearing words from others who have been where I am and I know those words can be empowering and reinforce my intentions and notions of my life and who I am and where I AM GOING. I was right… doing all of these steps simultaneously lead me to where I am right now both mentally and emotionally happy and “relieved”.

I say relieved because that is how I feel…I feel like a weight has been lifted and that stress that was there in my gut, my head and my heart is gone. I haven’t slept this well in years, I haven’t been this happy to be alone in my entire life!

I asked myself a lot of questions during my period of self reflection and the biggest one was why was I trying so hard to meet someone? I mean really…what the F was I doing?

I looked at my life and I looked hard, trust me…no one is as hard on you as you are yourself lol

I feel kind of silly looking over the last year but I also know that it had to happen to get me here. Everyone has to go through something that pushes them to the next phase of life and I am finally here…

I was not ready and am not ready to be in a monogamous relationship with anyone, I know that now. I have way too much on my plate for that…I know that relationships are work and require the time and devotion that I cannot give…not until I am done with school.

My number one goal and focus is school because the most important person in my life is ME. No one else is going to take care of me and I wouldn’t want to depend on anyone else but me honestly. Only I can take care of me and I know that finishing school and getting a secure and good job that makes me happy is what I need in order to reach my fullest potential and be the best version of myself that I can be.

So what was I doing all that time and why was it so important to find someone all those months I asked myself?

Really, I guess I just missed companionship and I was afraid I would never have that again…never share passionate moments again or have anyone to just share my life and adventures with…it is normal to feel these things though.

So do I just not care about that stuff now? No, not exactly…it is just the way I think about it now that has changed.

As far as sharing good times and adventures goes, I know I can do that with friends and family and also alone…

Passionate moments? I am not saying I will not have some fun… I mean come on, I am human and I have needs like anyone else lol but having fun does not require commitment … just sayin’

I am in no rush to ever get married again and if I do it is going to be with someone I have taken my time with but honestly right not marriage is not on my radar…at all…

I am perfectly happy being single…I work full time AND go to school full time and I am having so much fun and planning and going on so many adventures that my life is really full and honestly unless someone came along who could really add to it I cant see myself being anyone’s “girlfriend” at least not until I am done with school and in the next phase of my life where I am finally in my chosen career.

I am in a dangerous place too of being single forever because I now see the value in it and with that comes its own set of benefits and also negatives but really at this stage I cant look that far ahead…every day is different and every year is soooo different than the last that I do not know and cannot predict what the future will hold so I am not going to try and that has also given me a lot of relief.

I was focused on the future so much and my fears and worries of what might not happen that I wasn’t living for today…those days are gone friends. I cannot tell you how far up in the clouds I have been walking lately but I have never felt this happy, light and stress free in all of my single days as I do now.

So if I happen to meet someone great but I am not out there looking for anyone, if it happens it happens and if it doesn’t so be it…I have so much more to live for and I love myself and my life and everything I have planned to do and man do I have soooo many plans!!!

I am in love with my life! I am in love with myself! I am Love!

I posted a blog a few weeks ago about being alone and single on valentines day for the 2nd year in a row but I deleted it after I had my revelation because now I see the value of valentines day and it has nothing to do with being in a relationship! The day is about LOVE! I love myself so I am celebrating that love by buying myself some flowers and throwing a dinner party for my single friends!

I bought myself a pretty dress and invited friends over next weekend so I could help remind them that that the day has nothing to do about couples, it has to do with LOVE and loving yourself and being happy with yourself is the most important relationship you will ever have…because after all, people will come and go by choice or by death in our lives and in the end we are left with ourselves…so you really need to be happy with yourself and your life!

I am so excited about this and so excited to be entering this new phase of my life and I look forward to sharing more with you all about my adventures and happiness is my new self discoveries as it unfolds.

Be good to yourselves, treat yourself with the love, care and respect that you feel you deserve…Just Love yourself ❤