I have been building up to this revelation all year long, I have been a “work in progress” on my journey of self discovery and being single again as a confident middle aged woman.
I was waiting for it to happen, I was hoping it would but not sure that it would or how long it would take but it felt like over night it happened, my shift in consciousness is finally complete.
I was floundering there for several months as I was trying to figure it all out…being newly single again after being married and with my ex spouse for 8 years. I went through a normal rebound period and a normal phase of dating sprees and sexual conquests, but then I told myself to stop.
I knew it was time to just be alone on my own and look inside… I did what I said I would do and took down all of my online dating apps and bought myself some “self help” books on the joys of being single.
I didn’t buy them because I didn’t know how to be single, I bought them because I know the value of hearing words from others who have been where I am and I know those words can be empowering and reinforce my intentions and notions of my life and who I am and where I AM GOING. I was right… doing all of these steps simultaneously lead me to where I am right now both mentally and emotionally happy and “relieved”.
I say relieved because that is how I feel…I feel like a weight has been lifted and that stress that was there in my gut, my head and my heart is gone. I haven’t slept this well in years, I haven’t been this happy to be alone in my entire life!
I asked myself a lot of questions during my period of self reflection and the biggest one was why was I trying so hard to meet someone? I mean really…what the F was I doing?
I looked at my life and I looked hard, trust me…no one is as hard on you as you are yourself lol
I feel kind of silly looking over the last year but I also know that it had to happen to get me here. Everyone has to go through something that pushes them to the next phase of life and I am finally here…
I was not ready and am not ready to be in a monogamous relationship with anyone, I know that now. I have way too much on my plate for that…I know that relationships are work and require the time and devotion that I cannot give…not until I am done with school.
My number one goal and focus is school because the most important person in my life is ME. No one else is going to take care of me and I wouldn’t want to depend on anyone else but me honestly. Only I can take care of me and I know that finishing school and getting a secure and good job that makes me happy is what I need in order to reach my fullest potential and be the best version of myself that I can be.
So what was I doing all that time and why was it so important to find someone all those months I asked myself?
Really, I guess I just missed and was afraid I would ever have companionship again…never share passionate moments again or have anyone to just share my life and adventures with…that is normal.
So do I just not care about that stuff now? No, not exactly…it is just the way I think about it now has changed.
As far as sharing good times and adventures goes, I know I can do that with friends and family and also alone…
Passionate moments? I am not saying I will not have some fun… I mean come on, I am human and I have needs like anyone else lol but having fun does not require commitment … just sayin’
I am in no rush to ever get married again and if I do it is going to be with someone I have taken my time with but honestly right not marriage is not on my radar…at all…
I am perfectly happy being single…I work full time AND go to school full time and I am having so much fun and planning and going on so many adventures that my life is really full and honestly unless someone came along who could really add to it I cant see myself being anyone’s “girlfriend” at least not until I am done with school and in the next phase of my life where I am finally in my chosen career.
I am in a dangerous place too of being single forever because I now see the value in it and with that comes its own set of benefits and also negatives but really at this stage I cant look that far ahead…every day is different and every year is soooo different than the last that I do not know and cannot predict what the future will hold so I am not going to try and that has also given me a lot of relief.
I was focused on the future so much and my fears and worries of what might not happen that I wasn’t living for today…those days are gone friends. I cannot tell you how far up in the clouds I have been walking lately but I have never felt this happy, light and stress free in all of my single days as I do now.
So if I happen to meet someone great but I am not out there looking for anyone, if it happens it happens and if it doesn’t so be it…I have so much more to live for and I love myself and my life and everything I have planned to do and man do I have soooo many plans!!!
I am in love with my life! I am in love with myself! I am Love!
I posted a blog a few weeks ago about being alone and single on valentines day for the 2nd year in a row but I deleted it after I had my revelation because now I see the value of valentines day and it has nothing to do with being in a relationship! The day is about LOVE! I love myself so I am celebrating that love by buying myself some flowers and throwing a dinner party for my single friends!
I bought myself a pretty dress and invited friends over next weekend so I could help remind them that that the day has nothing to do about couples, it has to do with LOVE and loving yourself and being happy with yourself is the most important relationship you will ever have…because after all, people will come and go by choice or by death in our lives and in the end we are left with ourselves…so you really need to be happy with yourself and your life!
I am so excited about this and so excited to be entering this new phase of my life and I look forward to sharing more with you all about my adventures and happiness is my new self discoveries as it unfolds.
Be good to yourselves, treat yourself with the love, care and respect that you feel you deserve…Just Love yourself ❤