We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve…

thelove

The older I get the more I see the evidence of this around me and the more I realize why I am single.

I believe people are in 4 categories in life when it comes to Love and relationships.

  1. Happily in a loving relationship
  2. Unhappily in a relationship
  3. Single and afraid to try again
  4. Single but hoping for to find the right love for them

I think most people strive for #1 but a lot of people end up in #2 until they finally move into categories 3 then 4… I think it is a progression a lot of people go through in life. I have moved from #1 all the way down to #4 and am hoping to find myself back in the #1 slot soon without repeating the cycle.

People in category #1 are very lucky. It is either your first relationship and you are still figuring it all out or this is your last relationship after having been through the cycle however many times it took you until you finally found the love the was right for each of you.

People in category #2 are either afraid to move on because they fear being alone or they just don’t know how to leave, so they stay. Whatever the case these people need to learn to love themselves enough to do what is right for them and for their partner, if they are unhappy chances are their partner is too and so leaving will give them both the chance to start over and find the right love for each of them.

Category 3, I was just there and I know it well… it is scary getting back out there, putting your heart on the line. Love as euphoric as it can make you feel can also rip your heart out of you when gone wrong and the older we get the more we shy away from feeling that hurt again…. But is the alternative really better? That lonely feeling, that empty feeling… walking around knowing the piece to your puzzle is out there waiting for you? I weighed those many times… feeling the hurt again and again until the one came along who wouldn’t rip out my heart or just stay alone and learn to live without sharing my love…

I have too much love to share though so I finally decided that if he is out there I will be open to the possibility of loving again.

Then there are the people in this category who do not think they deserve to be loved because they do not love themselves and cannot fathom why anyone else would or could love them. I think these people have been terribly hurt in the past because they loved the wrong person, and they let that person hurt them because even at that time they didn’t love themselves enough to want better, to want the right love…

When I say “right love” I mean a love that is reciprocated, a love that is true and a love that doesn’t hurt… real true love will not hurt you, it will heal you and it will support you.

So many people for so many different reasons feel unworthy of someone’s love, they cannot believe that someone could love them or see the beauty inside and outside in them… these people often love the wrong people and get hurt again and again and are so damaged that when the right love comes along they are scared and in disbelief that it is real… they will probably let it pass them by because of their fears but I hope that someday they let someone in who offers them real love, they need it most of all.

I spent the majority of my life feeling unworthy of love, I never saw myself as attractive and felt as though no one could possibly love me, that there was nothing special enough about me to make anyone want to spend a lifetime with me…

It wasn’t until the last couple of years that I really started to wake up and realize that the most important love in life is self love, if you don’t love yourself then no one else can love you… if you don’t love yourself then life is not a happy place… you only have this one life so why do anything other than love it and yourself? It took me a long time to get here but almost overnight I changed and life has not been the same, it has been so much better. It has lead me to where I am today…

#4 is where I am at now…

I am at a really good place in life, the best actually. I have never been so well adjusted and balanced and happy emotionally, mentally and physically all at the same time… who knew it would take me to get to 40 to be here but here I am! I am making a career change to the path where my heart is and I am ready to love again, I am open to it and when it comes along I will let it in with open arms BUT only if it is the right love. I may be ready to love again but I am not ready to repeat the cycle again… I am prepared to wait as long as it takes for the right person to come along… I am in no rush and will continue to live happily single until I know.

When I knew I was ready I bought myself a locket pictured below and I put a wish inside, just one. I carry it next to my heart and someday when the right love comes along I will give it to him, my heart…my wishes and desires… all of me.

How will I know when the right one comes along? Well, it isn’t something you know until it happens I suppose but I know that taking my time and not rushing into anything is step #1 because in the past my mistake has always been to rush and I think if you want something to last forever it should not be rushed. #2 I will know because not only will he feel the same about me that I feel about him but he will let me know, he will tell me and he will show me. I am a big communicator and am very open about everything and the right person to love me will be the same way, he will always let me know so I do not have to guess. That is just something adults do in healthy happy stable relationships, they communicate.

I think the happier you are as a person and the more you love yourself the more you will demand the best for yourself and when you are there that is when you will not accept the wrong love into your life any longer.

That is why I am single, I love myself too much to accept anything less than the love I would give to another person…that love is huge, deep, loyal, understanding & eternal it is all encompassing ❤

So yes I am ready for love, but not just any love… the right love of a very special man… the love of my life who I hope is ready for me too when our paths finally cross…

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I am a Lot of things but…

Fearless is not one of them.

I have lost count of the people, both family and friends who have used the word fearless when describing me lately. You need to know that I am not that person.

Of course I am afraid, of a lot actually.

Yes I do things that make you think I am not but there is fear in my heart when I do them.

I have to force myself to do the things I do because I know if I did not I would be missing out on life!

Every time I get on a plane by myself and venture out on new adventures, I am terrified. I am also excited, but also terrified.

Any time I open up my heart and tell someone how I really feel, I am terrified.

You guys, yesterday I ate a pumpkin spiced Twinkie, I was terrified but I ate it… and now I know to never ever eat another one again LOL!

There will be times that you need to do the things that scare you, sometimes it will reward you with a happy memory other times it will be a lesson of what not to do next time.

Sometimes people tell you the things you did not realize you needed to hear and these last couple of weeks I have been getting an ear full… I am so grateful for the love of my friends and family and that they cared enough to share the following things with me because these are now the happy thoughts  that warm my heart ❤

I had 2 aunts from both sides of my family tell me I was fearless in the same week and I felt humbled but I also needed them to know that it wasn’t easy for me to do the things I have done, it took a lot of energy and effort but it also gave me some of the most rewarding experiences of my life.

My one aunt told me something that made me look at the way I live my life in a new special way, I can’t stop replaying it in my mind… it left such a warm place in my heart.

She told me   that while I was away on my vacation hopping from country to country by myself that her daughter, my cousin, received an invitation to a party of a co worker and that she was nervous to go alone and almost didn’t go but that when she saw one of my posts of me on my trip she said to herself, “if my cousin can go to other countries by herself I can go to this party by myself” wow, that really made me feel good inside, to think that just by following my heart and living my dreams that it could give someone else the confidence they needed to do something.

I had another friend also tell me she had wanted to plan a trip on her own for years and that after seeing me on mine she actually started planning her trip finally…

I had another friend tell me she thinks it is exciting being around me because I am a “take the bull by the horns” no nonsense kind of woman who follows her heart and makes life exciting… wow ❤

This is what life is about if you ask me, living in such a way that it inspires others to follow their own dreams and conquer their own fears.

It is normal to be nervous and afraid of things, as we get older you would think it would be less scary but it gets more scary because you get to see just how many things can go wrong…but you can’t focus on that stuff because something will always go wrong…you just have to learn how to adjust and keep moving forward when it does.

I think a lot of people have a hard time doing things on their own but I have learned to embrace it because this is my life, I am alone and life is short so I must continue to do the things that make my heart happy even though I must do them alone. At first it was hard going to dinner or the movies or to a concert by myself but like anything in life the more you do it the easier it becomes.

Of course I want to find someone to share my life and happiness with, someone to share adventures with and someone to love and support but this also scares me. Every time I open myself up to someone I open myself up to the hurt that follows when it doesn’t work out… but I have learned to welcome the rejection because to me, now, it just means that the right one is still out there and that this person was not the partner I was waiting for. It hurts a little less now when I approach it that way.

So yes, it scares me to open up my heart and let someone in but I cannot let it stop me from doing it because one of these times I will meet the person that loves what he discovers in me and he will be the greatest adventure of my life. Until that day comes, and it may never come I know, I will continue to live my life to the fullest of my ability. Conquering my fears and following my heart.

So yes, I am a lot of things and I love living my life and am grateful every day that I know anything is possible and I will always follow my heart but I am not fearless at all…I am just decisive…I know what I like and what makes me happy so I choose to do that, every single day.

This is why I like to share my life and adventures with others, why I write blog posts and post all of my selfies on FB, because sometimes there is someone out there that needs to see it is possible to follow your dreams and catch them so that they will have the confidence to know that they can catch theirs too.

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My Worst Quality…

I rush things and jump in with both feet often blindfolded.

I was talking with one of my best friends at dinner the other night and asked her to give me an honest picture of what meeting me is like because I feel first impressions are important and often you do not realize how you come off to others.

What she told me was true and I know these things about myself but the way she explained it to me really made me sit back and think about how I present myself to people.

I am glad she didn’t write me off after my first impression on her because we have become such great friends since but when she first met me she wasn’t really sure what to make of me. I seemed to her very “Vibrant” (her words) which to her means very expressive and very intense. She told me that I am a force to be reckoned with and have a strong presence and that my intensity is part of what makes me fun because I am so passionate about everything that it is kind of exciting to be around me… I really loved hearing that.

I didn’t love hearing that it took her a couple times of hanging out with me to figure out that is just a part of my personality and who I am and that I wasn’t actually a little bit crazy LOL! I guess my excitement about things and my reactions and actions can seem a little intense to people who do not know me … when men have told me that I was intimidating to them I never understood why but after talking with my friend I think I now have a better idea of what they meant.

I am a little too certain of myself and of the things I do in life. I have a certain amount of confidence that is driven by my passion for life which makes me excitable and super easy to please… all of these things wrapped up in this package that is me can come off as intense. I think because I am this way it is why I tend to rush into things…because too often I am “sure” it is a great idea.

I wont lie, most of the time I am right lol but there have been a few times that I should of really just sat back and taken the scenic view around.

All those times though that I have jumped and was right it has been some of the most exciting times of my life, the most memorable times for sure and times I would not change for anything.

The few times I jumped in and found myself in quicksand are still times I wouldn’t change because I learned very valuable life lessons and I learned a lot about myself. I just am trying to not jump in blindfolded anymore and when I start to feel a little too excited about something I know I need to stop and evaluate before I jump.

So the reason I asked these things of my friend is because I made a new friend online that I haven’t yet met in person and I was afraid of how I must of come off, I fear I made a bad impression as things started to feel a bit rushed…ok, a lot rushed…

It is so hard to really paint a picture of your true self without having met someone so I did what I thought would be the best way to show all of me and was as open as I could possibly be … about everything… I thought maybe if I was “raw” and naked, so to speak, if I used no filters and just spoke what was on my mind and heart without censoring myself that maybe he would get an idea of who I am prior to meeting… but now I think maybe I let myself get a little too carried away and really should of held back a little lol

So I am now trying to reel it back in and go a little slower, I am working on patience every day.  I see now by doing what I was doing I was moving too fast and sharing too much… when really, there is no rush. I want us both to enjoy this time of getting to know each other without any pressure or expectations and I want to go at a pace we can both enjoy.

I think it is important to make self improvement a part of daily life and I do a lot of different things for my body, mind and soul everyday in my attempt to be a better person; so knowing myself and having this new information to work from I am doing my best every day to slow down a little bit more and just go with the flow to make life last a little longer and enjoy the ride as much as possible ❤

 

 

 

My Unwavering Optimism

optimists-creed

I believe that ANYTHING is possible! I do not place limitations on my happiness or my dreams and goals!

In believing that anything is possible I also believe that everything happens for a reason and so if I am working towards something and it doesn’t turn out as expected or if an obstacle pops up in my path, there is a reason and so I adjust.

Life is a gamble and every day we roll the dice, some days we are going to come out on top but most of the time we are pulling even and that is ok too. You have to expect to lose every now and then; it is just natural and the way of things.

Some people roll the dice every day and some people keep them tucked away afraid that they may lose but you cannot let that fear keep you from taking the chances that may lead you to the greatest adventures of your life!

Life is so very short, we are only allotted so much time to chase our hearts desires, so why put limitations on what those things are? Why not spend your life making yourself happy in any way possible? Nothing is out of reach if you want it enough, where there is a will there is a way, truly.

I never let others negativity get in my way, you would not believe the amount of people in my life who keep saying “that will never work, or that isn’t possible” wow… If I listened to any of those people I would have never gone on my first vacation alone overseas, I would have never packed all my things and moved to a foreign country, I would have never gone on a 5 country adventure on my own and I would never do a lot of things…

I just see things and life a lot differently than most people I know I suppose. I just know that if there is something I want to do that I can and will do it, period. I know that you cannot control people and you cannot control most things so I try to go with the flow, what will be will be… I can only do what I can and be who I am and let life unfold as it will.

I wish more people would realize that you cannot control the world around you, things like wars and politics and religion, there is nothing you can do to change any of that… so do not let it destroy your own little world. You can help people and causes that are dear to your heart and try to make the world a better place but really that is all you can do. Using your time and energy to actually help someone make the world a better place is time better spent than sitting around being an unhappy person while complaining and doing nothing else but spreading negativity.

My life is already half over, kinda scary to think really seeing how fast the first half came and went. I appreciate how fragile and short life is and how little time I have left. I will continue to live every day with a grateful heart and I will continue to follow my dreams wherever my heart may lead me.

I feels things deeply and I live and do things with the fire of my passion driving me, I really do not know how to live any other way.. it is just who I am and I kinda love life and it seems to be working out pretty well so I think the only thing to do is continue on!

It would be great to meet someone someday who could appreciate that about me and that was sort of similar so we could live the rest of our lives having adventures together, making the world a better place with our love… sounds sappy and romantic I know but that is how I feel.

I think the biggest gamble we all take is love, trusting someone with our hearts, trusting someone enough to open up and share all of you with one person… it is certainly risky business. A lot of people set restrictions on love and what they think it should be and how it should be… I think restrictions narrow the playing field too much… I mean if you have it set in your mind that you will absolutely not move out of state for love then what happens if you meet the love of your life on vacation and he lives in another country?  Would you really just give up and hope to settle for someone else just because they live close to home?

No way. Life wasn’t meant to be lived in a box. If you meet that person and fall in love and you are able to move then you do it. Life can be lived anywhere happily if you are a happy person and love life. Meeting that person is only going to make it better, moving to that new state or city or country might just be the greatest adventure of your life… so why tell yourself that you can’t do it? I wouldn’t hesitate to move if something like that happened to me, location means little… home is where your heart is ❤

I think if you want to be happy all you have to do is let yourself be. It isn’t as though I haven’t been through hard times and seen things I wish I hadn’t, I have, and that’s life. You can’t let it stop you; you have to keep on moving forward, no matter what. Things will happen, you will get disappointed, a lot … you will get your heart broken, you will lose friends and family along the way… but as long as you are alive you have a life to live, so make the most of it! Love every moment! Do the things that make your heart happy!

If I can help to inspire one person in this world to follow their heart and live their dreams by living my own then there really isnt more I can ask out of life.

You deserve to love your life, so start a new today and start doing just that ❤

 

 

Our Fears Cripple us…

How many times have you let your fears keep you from something or someone that could have made life so much more fun or exciting or fulfilling?

I know people who want to do something as simple as travel to a foreign country but they will not because of fear, and so they do not follow their dreams.

I know people who want a new job for one reason or another but because they fear change they stay where they are, unhappy and unfulfilled.

I know people who have been hurt in the past, broken hearts and what have you and so when someone new comes along they are afraid to take a chance because they fear getting hurt again so instead of trusting a new love can be lasting and possible they put up walls and let fear ruin their chances.

Fear is crippling, fear keeps us from the things that make us happy, from the things and people that make life worth living… but fear is all in your mind. It is all in your head so why not set it aside? so what if you get hurt or make a mistake, isnt that a part of life? isnt that what makes us appreciate the times we choose right all the more?

By letting fear keep you from doing the things your heart desires most you are in essence ruining your own happiness. So what if it ends or turns out to be the wrong path…getting lost and learning lessons is a part of life! that is how we grow and learn and evolve!

I was very nervous and really afraid to get on that airplane and go country hopping all on my own! 8 flights later and 5 countries later I am so glad I did it! WOW! what an amazing adventure! Of course I was scared but I made myself do it anyway because I knew it was worth it and I knew it would be an adventure of a lifetime! I got lost and asked a lot of people for directions but that’s the thing, you are never lost for long and it makes your story even better in the end.

I am doing something else that I know will be worth it in the end by making a mid life career change by going back to school to become a Nurse. Of course it is scary taking such a risk and it will be hard with a lot of long nights and lost weekends full of studying but when it is all over I will get to live the rest of my life helping others and devoting my life to the service of my community, that is important to me and what I call a fulfilling life.

I am also single with no children or ties and am able to chase my dreams and catch them. I am very fortunate in life, not so much in love, but in life yes.

I was of the mind that I was going to live the rest of my life single and on my own, mostly due to fear of trusting and giving myself to someone who would not last, and it may very well still end up that way, but something someone taught me recently is that I do actually believe in love still and I know that I am open to it should it happen.

I starting feeling things recently that made me realize I would actually like to have a partner to build a life with together, to love and share everything with, a life partner to support and be supported by…

So I decided to set aside all fears of it not working out, setting aside the fears that I would fall in love and he would not, setting aside all fears and just going with it…letting myself get carried away because half of the fun is letting yourself feel those exciting moments when you are filled with possibility! so many possibilities! Of course I know that one is that it may not work out and that is ok too, but for now I want to be happy about this and see where it takes me!

This is the biggest adventure of all, the one our hearts send us on, the adventures of love. The scariest of them all… but it is like I have said before, everything happens for a reason and there is a purpose to every meeting and every thing so if this turns out to be nothing more than a friendship then that is also a blessing because friends are a gift. You just have to have the right perspective when approaching new things that scare you so that if they do not turn out the way you would like or expect you can move on easily to your next adventure!

So do not let your fears keep you from living life! Do not let your fears keep you from chasing and catching those dreams! Your life is precious and so very short, why not just let yourself be happy? Set that fear aside and choose happy every time and you will always have a reason to smile ❤

 

 

My Rose Tinted Glasses…

20170817_175236I have had a few people say that I wear rose colored glasses, as if I didn’t already know lol!

It is a choice, a choice to see things in the best possible light, a choice to be positive and happy in life. I am an eternal optimist and romantic… I am of a dying breed these days.

I absolutely believe that everything happens for a reason, I believe in destiny and a grand design… I believe that everything will work out in the end exactly the way it was meant to and that the best things come to those who wait for them because my grandmother said so and she was always right lol

No one comes into our lives by accident and nothing happens to us without cause or reason… sometimes it just takes a moment to sit back and see it all, to actually notice the web we are weaving and see how everyone and everything really are connected… it pulls us all together in the great puzzle of life. Some pieces will not fit and they will be set aside for the ones that do, that is just a part of life, but perhaps all of those pieces that didn’t fit make up their own little puzzle picture? I believe that our lives while having the 1 big picture are also made up of many little ones along the way.

I do not give up on anything without a fight but I do know when to hang up my gloves. My glasses are tinted but my feet are also placed firmly on the ground of reality. I just choose to see things in a happier light because life is so very short and if I can choose to be happy about things then why would I choose to not be happy? It seems like such a waste of precious time to waste a day being unhappy when life is so full of so many things to be grateful for.

I am a huge proponent of making the most of every moment, of making memories special and of letting those who are dear to me know it as often as possible. It is just a normal part of life for me because I know how fragile we are and how soon it could be over and so I find something in every single day to smile about, something in every day to love… even if it is just the sun rise on my way to work or the sunset on my drive home or even the silly snapchat filters that I take my selfies with that crack me up daily lol

I think a lot of people are afraid to be happy because they know the pain and hurt of heartbreak and disappointment. I think as we age it is normal to put up walls to protect ourselves, we have all been hurt and seen the dark side of life and so when something or someone comes along that we think we could enjoy or love instead of getting excited and lifting off into the clouds we let our fears cripple us and keep us from enjoying every moment…

Heartbreak is hard and seems to get harder the older you get even though we have been there before but it doesn’t have to be so hard and we can enjoy the moments and get excited and fall in love if we just let ourselves. If you can just sit back and think for a moment about the design of things and how the universe has lead you to each moment and person in life for a purpose and reason then you will know that if it doesn’t work out then that just means there is something else even greater out there waiting for you, you just have to keep looking and keep hope alive!

In the meantime though it is ok to hope and dream and wish for that thing that you know will make you happy and your life fulfilled, whether it is a job or a pet or a person to share your love and life with… your life is so very short so you might as well enjoy every moment that presents itself, remember there is a purpose for everything and perhaps it was all leading you to something happening in your life this very moment, right now!

So please, be good to yourself, enjoy every moment of your beautiful life and feel excited about possibilities without fear of the “what ifs” just let go and let yourself be happy because what will happen will happen and life will continue on whether or not you wear the glasses or not… it is a choice we all make every day, make the choice to let yourself be happy, put on the glasses.

 

 

 

Those Bittersweet Life Changing Moments…

I have had a huge life changing decision weighing on my shoulders for the last 7 months and I didn’t know what I would do for sure until a week ago.

I knew what I should do but there was a big part of me that wanted to do the other thing, and ten years ago I probably would have…but with age comes wisdom and so I did the responsible thing instead.

You see, in December of 2016 my grandmother passed away and she raised me so when she passed she included me in her will to receive equal parts of the inheritance and I knew what was coming I just wasn’t sure when but it came sooner than expected… I originally said to myself and to friends and family that I was going to take that money & pay a few bills then get a few surgeries done that I have been wanting to get the last few years.

In the last 6 years I have had 4 pretty big surgeries that have left scars and tissue damage and loose skin in some spots… I had convinced myself that no one would ever love me if they saw me naked… that no one could ever look beyond the things that remain hidden under clothes all day long and love or desire me for me… I convinced myself that my worth lay in my appearance… I feel as if I am invisible to most men my age because I do not fit nicely into the box that so many other women seem to slip into, a box that no man my age ever approaches or wants to open.

In these last seven months I have gone back and forth over how to use this money, this gift.  I look at it as the last gift my grandmother would ever be able to give me…her life’s work and life in the end was given out to each of us as cash and when it is gone, it is gone forever so I really wanted to do something with it that I knew she would be proud of.

The more time that went by and I saw that no man was ever going to ask me out regardless of how I look in clothes or naked the more apparent it became that I didn’t want to be with anyone who could know me and not love me for who I am as a person instead of how I look naked. I may be uncomfortable with myself at times but ultimately I love who I am and how far I have come and yes my body shows the scars and journey it has taken me to get here and if no one can love me for that and for so much more than that, then they do not deserve to have me.

So I decided to instead use that money to build a solid foundation for my future.

My credit has taken quite a hit over the last few years and I know now more than ever that I cannot do the things I want to do and get to the place in life I want to get without good credit, so I used to the money to buy myself a vehicle then I paid off everything except my student loans on my credit report.

I am debt free now aside from my student loans (Doesn’t everyone die owing student loans though, honestly lol) which I will start paying on soon enough. In a few weeks I will get to see my credit score reflect the good choice I think I made, and one my grandmother would approve of.

I set a little aside as a nest egg for me for when I decide where I want to move after school is done and I am going on a European vacation next month as well so all in all I think I made good use and good choices with that gift.

I think someday down the road after I am done with school and officially on to the next chapter of my life that I will revisit the surgeries, for myself… in the meantime if I meet someone special who can see in me more than how I look in a bathing suit then bonus but as of right now I am done feeling inadequate and unattractive and undesirable … I am done feeling invisible.

I am better off alone enjoying my adventures and living my life in exactly the way that makes me happy without worrying about how to please anyone else or how to change myself to make someone else want to be with me.

This is who I am, I fought hard to get here and I work hard every day trying to maintain this life and make an even brighter future and so far I haven’t met anyone that deserves me. I do not want to be with someone who has to get used to the idea of being with me or with someone who wanted someone different but she never came along so I am a good second choice, NO thank you.

I will not settle for less than a man who when he sees me he has to look twice, a man who when he sees me sitting alone somewhere with my book cannot resist asking to join me because he wants to get to know me… a man who after he sees me or talks to me can’t stop thinking about me and wants to know more… a man who puts in the effort and pursues me because he wants to know me and wants to be with me… until that man comes along I will remain single, happily single…perhaps until my dying day.

So the choice I made was to better my life for me, to build a foundation for my future and make my dreams a real possibility and I have my grandmother to thank for that.

I miss her every day and think of her every single night before I sleep and I know if she could she would tell me she was happy with my choice and that my worth lay in so much more than my physical appearance and a man who thinks that is all that is important in a life partner.