My Shift in Consciousness: Self Love

16427313_1216358128401457_7341238342133280199_n

I have been building up to this revelation all year long, I have been a “work in progress” on my journey of self discovery and being single again as a confident middle aged  woman.

I was waiting for it to happen, I was hoping it would but not sure that it would or how long it would take but it felt like over night it happened, my shift in consciousness is finally complete.

I was floundering there for several months as I was trying to figure it all out…being newly single again after being married and with my ex spouse for 8 years. I went through a normal rebound period and a normal phase of dating sprees and sexual conquests, but then I told myself to stop.

I knew it was time to just be alone on my own and look inside… I did what I said I would do and took down all of my online dating apps and bought myself some “self help” books on the joys of being single.

I didn’t buy them because I didn’t know how to be single, I bought them because I know the value of hearing words from others who have been where I am and I know those words can be empowering and reinforce my intentions and notions of my life and who I am and where I AM GOING. I was right… doing all of these steps simultaneously lead me to where I am right now both mentally and emotionally happy and “relieved”.

I say relieved because that is how I feel…I feel like a weight has been lifted and that stress that was there in my gut, my head and my heart is gone. I haven’t slept this well in years, I haven’t been this happy to be alone in my entire life!

I asked myself a lot of questions during my period of self reflection and the biggest one was why was I trying so hard to meet someone? I mean really…what the F was I doing?

I looked at my life and I looked hard, trust me…no one is as hard on you as you are yourself lol

I feel kind of silly looking over the last year but I also know that it had to happen to get me here. Everyone has to go through something that pushes them to the next phase of life and I am finally here…

I was not ready and am not ready to be in a monogamous relationship with anyone, I know that now. I have way too much on my plate for that…I know that relationships are work and require the time and devotion that I cannot give…not until I am done with school.

My number one goal and focus is school because the most important person in my life is ME. No one else is going to take care of me and I wouldn’t want to depend on anyone else but me honestly. Only I can take care of me and I know that finishing school and getting a secure and good job that makes me happy is what I need in order to reach my fullest potential and be the best version of myself that I can be.

So what was I doing all that time and why was it so important to find someone all those months I asked myself?

Really, I guess I just missed and was afraid I would ever have companionship again…never share passionate moments again or have anyone to just share my life and adventures with…that is normal.

So do I just not care about that stuff now? No, not exactly…it is just the way I think about it now has changed.

As far as sharing good times and adventures goes, I know I can do that with friends and family and also alone…

Passionate moments? I am not saying I will not have some fun… I mean come on, I am human and I have needs like anyone else lol but having fun does not require commitment … just sayin’

I am in no rush to ever get married again and if I do it is going to be with someone I have taken my time with but honestly right not marriage is not on my radar…at all…

I am perfectly happy being single…I work full time AND go to school full time and I am having so much fun and planning and going on so many adventures that my life is really full and honestly unless someone came along who could really add to it I cant see myself being anyone’s “girlfriend” at least not until I am done with school and in the next phase of my life where I am finally in my chosen career.

I am in a dangerous place too of being single forever because I now see the value in it and with that comes its own set of benefits and also negatives but really at this stage I cant look that far ahead…every day is different and every year is soooo different than the last that I do not know and cannot predict what the future will hold so I am not going to try and that has also given me a lot of relief.

I was focused on the future so much and my fears and worries of what might not happen that I wasn’t living for today…those days are gone friends. I cannot tell you how far up in the clouds I have been walking lately but I have never felt this happy, light and stress free in all of my single days as I do now.

So if I happen to meet someone great but I am not out there looking for anyone, if it happens it happens and if it doesn’t so be it…I have so much more to live for and I love myself and my life and everything I have planned to do and man do I have soooo many plans!!!

I am in love with my life! I am in love with myself! I am Love!

I posted a blog a few weeks ago about being alone and single on valentines day for the 2nd year in a row but I deleted it after I had my revelation because now I see the value of valentines day and it has nothing to do with being in a relationship! The day is about LOVE! I love myself so I am celebrating that love by buying myself some flowers and throwing a dinner party for my single friends!

I bought myself a pretty dress and invited friends over next weekend so I could help remind them that that the day has nothing to do about couples, it has to do with LOVE and loving yourself and being happy with yourself is the most important relationship you will ever have…because after all, people will come and go by choice or by death in our lives and in the end we are left with ourselves…so you really need to be happy with yourself and your life!

I am so excited about this and so excited to be entering this new phase of my life and I look forward to sharing more with you all about my adventures and happiness is my new self discoveries as it unfolds.

Be good to yourselves, treat yourself with the love, care and respect that you feel you deserve…Just Love yourself ❤

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, Why am I single?

fb_img_1485643332574

I have been asked in flattering ways over the year how it is that I am still single?

#1 I have not found what I am looking for yet in a person who has also found it in me.

#2 I refuse to settle.

I will be just fine on my own and do not need anyone else to survive and so until I find my match in life…I will remain single. I am perfectly happy being single actually, I just miss the intimate stuff of being with someone. The affections and passionate moments and the companionship. I will not let the loss of that stuff force me into a relationship though…I am much happier alone on my own than I ever would be dating someone I truly was not happy with.

I am sure all single people are single for basically the same reasons …if I were desperate and only looking to fill that “lonely void” I would not be single and would have accepted one of the many offers I have received over the past year but I am not that person…I am not looking for just “anyone” that is not who I am. I am waiting for my match…

I know who I am and what I need from a partner in order to have a long lasting successful relationship, I hear this makes me rare. It is sad to hear so many men tell me about all of the flaky women they come across … I am sure the same goes for men though. I have met my fair share of men who also do not know what they want and so they just keep floundering about alone or ending up with something that “looks”like what they thought they wanted only to find out they were sadly mistaken.

I think that is a problem with a lot of people, they build up this image in their minds of what will make them happy and it is based on appearances…when that isnt where its at. Of course there has to be an element of physical attraction, absolutely… but some people take it too far. I have actually seen dating profiles where men list out an itemized list of physical qualities that must be met for them to be interested…truth! I have seen more than one of them, no wonder they are single lol. The list went something like this:

  1. long hair (what happens if she cuts her hair?)
  2. no bigger than a size 6 (I stg I saw this on a profile) forget about eating pizza ever again lol
  3. does not argue (so you mean has no opinions of her own and agrees with everything you say…you mean “obedient”)

I will stop there because I am getting off topic but there are a lot of people out there with similar lists that people have to meet in order to win their affections…sad

I do not have a list but I know what I like when I see it and it has nothing to do with their past, their bank roll or anything material… it is a feeling…the way they make me feel and the passion in their eyes and words, the way their mind works, shared interests and beliefs… it cannot be described but I know it when I feel it…and until I meet someone who feels that same way about me when I feel that way about him then I will keep looking.

I do not and will not settle for someone that I know cannot go the long haul with me so my search continues.

I am willing to take my time with the right person, because really … if it is right we have the rest of our lives to be together so there is no need to rush the trip to our final destination… but I need to know we are taking that trip together in order for me to buy a ticket…ya know what I mean?

I also will not pretend like I am someone I am not to please anyone, I am too old for games…I am who I am and you have to love who I am or it will never work.

So, who am I?

Well there is an “about me” page you can go read for all the good stuff but I will just add here that I am a very passionate woman and because I know who I am and what I want I will always let you know where I stand with you. If we start to see each other then you need to know that there will be adventures and there will be passionate moments…a lot of them…because I am affectionate with the one I am giving my special attentions to and he has to be the same way for it to work. If you are not a passionate and affectionate and attentive man then you are not for me. I believe in equal give and take in all things involved in the relationship world.

So, why am I still single?

It is hard to say without coming off as bitter or arrogant but the plain and simple truth is that I have not met the right man yet. I am not looking for the impossible, though it feels that way sometimes…

So I am happily single for now and I am living my life the only way I know how. Doing what makes my heart happy and working towards my goals. I am continuing my studies and making plans for and going on adventures all of the time and somewhere along the way someone will come along who is on the same page, someone who is looking for and ready for finding the love of a lifetime to share this adventure called life with, and when he does we will both have lived the first half of our lives and have so many stories to share as we create the second half together…

 

A new year, the same me…but getting better!

I don’t do the “new year resolution” thing or “new year new me” bullshit because I am 39 years old and I know what’s up lol but I will say that the start of a new year is always a good time to do some self reflection and meditation and the last few days I have been doing just that.

I have started my short and long term to do list, something that I always do; Last year was full of many changes and distractions for me. I did not take the time to truly heal from a lot of things, instead I distracted myself by constantly staying busy never giving myself the time to sit and rest and think about any of it…I became the master avoider…my best coping mechanism…I kept moving forward without looking back. Which is good and bad on different levels…

Some not so happy things that happened in 2016 for me and happy things so far this year:

January 2016 I moved out of my house into a tiny apartment

February 2016 I met with the divorce lawyer and we signed the papers

April 2016 we went to court and made the divorce final

July 2016 I went to my annual OB appointment and discovered 2 things in follow up appointments…

In August 2016 the lump in my throat she found was found to be quite large and possibly cancerous further tests were ordered…

By October 2016 I had a biopsy of cells in my cervix done and also the mass in my throat…

By November 2016 I learned that there were pre-cancerous cells growing in my cervix that had to be removed and that my thyroid was also potentially cancerous.

The Monday after thanksgiving my grandmother fell and broke her hip…I knew then it was the beginning of the end for her…

In December 2016 my grandmother, the woman who raised me and I loved more than anyone on earth died.

In December I also learned that the mass in my thyroid had doubled in size in 3 months and was now pressing in on my windpipe which would eventually kill me if left to grow and with the rate at which it was growing who knew when that would happen…the chances that it was cancer went up because of how aggressive the mass was growing and how large it was so surgery was scheduled right away and my thyroid was removed…

I started to fall into a depression in December… it is clear why…I also gained weight for the first time in 2 years since I lost it all…everything seemed to be unraveling…

It is now January 2017…I started classes with Ashland University this week and am moving this coming weekend…I found out the mass on my thyroid wasn’t cancer, woohoo! And I decided to celebrate my 40th birthday by going to Europe! I booked my trip and will be celebrating my bday with friends in Ireland and Switzerland this June!

In February I am having those cells from my cervix removed and wont know if more needs to be done there until March…I hope of course this procedure will be all I need this year and no more surgeries will be needed…I got really lucky with the results of my Thyroid after surgery and I am so grateful for that.

I am facing big changes all of the time it seems…but that is what life is isn’t it? a constant cycle of changes, acceptance, living, obstacles and more changes…I think it is just how we deal with it that makes us who we are and I tend to roll with the punches, I do not fear life because I know how short it is and getting shorter all the time so I am living it man!

I do not put off for tomorrow what I want and can have in my life today because tomorrow may never come!

I am making plans and continuing to work on my goals… I wanted to give up on a lot at the end of last year, mostly on myself… I am not ready to throw in the towel just yet though.

I am getting healthy again physically and emotionally. It is my time to start healing  and I am well underway! I have been feeling great these past 2 weeks and getting better all the time..I think giving up on the online dating scene has something to do with it.

It seems like I was on a path of constant disappointment one date after another all year long and perhaps that is what made the year so bad. This year I am not doing that, I took down all of my online dating profiles in December and am making it a point to focus on school and living the life I have and letting things just happen instead of looking for them.

So ya, no more online dating for me. I did go on a date recently but it was someone I met 9 months ago who offered to work on one of my guitars for me and I liked him when I met him so when he finally asked me out I was stoked and waited a really long time for it to happen…I was almost sure it would never happen but then it did and it was great and I do not know if anything will come of it or if he even feels about me the way I feel about him… I just hope we spend more time together and really just hope for the best.

I figured I would be alone and single on my 40th bday this year and with it being a big one I decided I needed to do something that would make me happy…so I bought myself the bday gift only I could give myself, a trip to Europe!

I plan to bring in my fabulous 40’s in style! I fly into Ireland the week of my bday for a reunion party with my friends from the old days and then I am flying to Switzerland to visit a friend of 15 years and from there who knows! Italy maybe? Germany maybe? All I know is that I will be sipping on a glass of wine and viewing the breathtaking landscapes of some beautiful country on my 40th bday and I cannot wait!

Reading those self help books I spoke about in my other blog post has actually helped me, they are empowering. Being a single woman living alone midlife does not have to be so bad and once I fully let go of the notion that I will be in a relationship again I will be just fine…I will still wake up and find a reason to smile each day and I will get over this heartache and feeling of loneliness…it will take a while to get used to this but I will get there…I know I will.

I have a lot of plans for this year and getting out and interacting with more people is high on my list. I was in a shell last year…hell for the last several years. I am making plans though and crossing things off of my lists…and man does that feel good!

So I am off to a good start and looking forward to all the good to come in the coming days and months!

 

 

The Hardest Speech of My Life…

letter

If you click on that link above you will find a letter I wrote to my grandmother many years ago. It is not a typical letter, it was something I wrote and put in a card… a snapshot of a day in her life if you will.

Over the years  I wrote her many cards and letters, our bond was a special one…she raised me and so I got to have a mother and grandmother relationship with her.

I am going to add more to this post later because there is so much I want to share and say about her but for right now I will just share this one story about the day I had to say goodbye forever.

My grandmother, my heart, passed away on 12/6/16 and I tried to write the words to say that expressed my love and gratitude for her… I wanted to speak at her funeral because I know she would like that and deserved that.

No matter how I tried I couldn’t find the words, nothing was good enough…

Then on the night of her “showing” my cousin the pastor who was giving service the next day asked if any of us would like to speak…I wanted to say yes but hadn’t been able to find the words yet and then my aunt stepped forward and said my gramma gave her a letter I had written her that she wanted to be read at her funeral. I was speechless…and grateful…and touched…and missed her so much more at that moment.

My aunt gave the letter to me and said while they were going through files when my grandfather passed 3 years earlier she found this and told my aunt she wanted it read at her own funeral.

I read it not having any idea what it said because I had sent her so many over the years..but when I read it I understood why…and here I couldn’t find the words because I had already written them so many years before.

That letter described her as I remembered her when I lived with her, truly a snapshot of her everyday life…I think she knew I would want to say something and that letter in particular was her favorite because it was so true … it was perfect.

I was shaking horribly…but I read it through to the end…and I am glad that I did because a part of me knows she heard me.

I am going to write something soon about her life so you might know a little about what a wonderful woman she was, stay tuned ❤

I rcvd a lot of messages from people who knew her and didnt know her all offering heartfelt condolences and I appreciated that so much, thank you everyone. For those who wanted to be there but couldnt I attached the funeral notice for you in the link below.

coverinside

Sharing Beauty, Joy and Love…

14125654_1057394397631165_4017215015959987225_o 14053829_1057394497631155_6428063430077010611_o 14114923_1057394684297803_7686853953822111838_o14125034_1063027263734545_2933346597642064944_o14125011_1057394124297859_237627674196410661_o14086414_1063027407067864_6248797578820050152_o

Like many people I share pictures of my adventures on Facebook. I share my happy moments and the things that make my heart light up and the times that bring joy to my life…I love life and I want to share these things with everyone because I know that some people need to see and feel these things too…

I try in my own little way to show others how easy it is to find joy in the simple things in life, how accessible it is to find the beauty that surrounds us all daily… I know sometimes it is hard to see outside of our own bubble and that many of us live in dark bubbles a lot of the time. A lot of people do not talk about their issues and so a lot of people have no idea what they are going through and for these people who carry it in silence I can relate.

We all carry things and we all try to keep going and find a way to see a way out but it is so easy to get wrapped up in life and forget the simple pleasures, it is so easy to forget how easy it is to let ourselves be happy…no matter how small or quick the moment is, you have to stop and appreciate it and carry it with you so you can remember that there are so many more moments like that out there and then you will begin see them come to you more often the more you appreciate them.

So in my own way part of what I do to share these moments with others is not just enjoying the sunsets and keeping that moment to myself but enjoying that beauty and sharing it with as many people as I can so they too can see the beauty right outside their doors. To know that all they have to do is step outside for five minutes to see they beauty in the world around them…to know that there is a way to find peace and be one with nature if only for a brief moment in the day, that moment could turn your whole day around.

So when I am out in my kayak on the water, watching the clouds on a beautiful sunny day, amazed at the light show in a thunderstorm or sitting at the beach watching a sunset and I feel that joy from the beauty around me filling me up inside and I feel that love for life… I want to share it because I hope that I can help someone else see that beauty and feel that joy and hopefully it will help them to seek it out for themselves and to find that love for life that they need is right outside their door…

Perhaps I just see things differently than most people, and I know that appreciating the beauty in life around me doesn’t solve all of my problems but it sure does change my perspective and attitude towards life and what is important to me and I think that is a huge step in the right direction for anyone.

So if I can do anything at all to help at least one person out there see life that way too, then that gives my life purpose. If I can help one person step outside of their bubble long enough to breathe deep and see that there is so much more out there for them than their current situation and so many ways to find happiness and love than they know… then my life has purpose.

What is beautiful to me may not be beautiful to you but if it moves you to seek out those things that do make you happy, if seeing what stirs my soul inspires you in any way to seek out your joy then it is worth it.

For my blog followers who are not my facebook friends I will start sharing these pictures and moments as well, the more people I can share this beauty and love of life with the better… We do not know how much time we are allotted here on earth and at any moment it can be all be taken away from us…why not love every beautiful moment?

20160821_11310620160828_09394920160828_09392313962583_10154350366140528_3338388382551157059_n13925547_1042935205743751_1702982791016816802_o20160821_112905

The Dreaded 39…

So, the day I have been dreading all month arrives tomorrow, the 29th of June…when I turn *gulp* 39

Most people have this problem with milestones like 40 or 50 but for me this birthday makes me sad for more than the most obvious reason of being another year older.

This year is the first birthday since my divorce and being single on your birthday means no birthday hugs or kisses or extra special gifts like birthday sex lol

This is also is tough birthday because it may very well be the last one I have with my grandmother still alive. She was supposed to be here for my birthday, my aunt was going to drive her up here from West Virginia but my grandmother fell twice last week and is in too much pain for a long car ride and I understand that and I feel bad that she is hurting so I am going to drive down there as soon as I can for a visit.

I’ll just add this to the list since it is on my mind too…This year marks the 30th anniversary of my grandfather’s death, yep he died on the morning of my 9th birthday. That was such a messed up day for so many reasons and I get to remember it every year…so there’s that little gem.

This day also marks the start of my last year in my thirties, which is the least of my worries because age is a natural part of life and happens to us all and I know this but it still bothers me just a little bit because my life is so different t from where I thought it would be at this age, so much has changed in just the past year…I am a completely different person than I was this time last year…

Last year I woke up to find a crack in my face on my birthday, my first visible wrinkle… a laugh line that no longer disappears when I stop laughing…I wrote a blog about that when its twin appeared. I now have a matching set but I wondered what mother nature was going to give me this year, I wonder if when I wake up tomorrow and look in the mirror she will take pity on me for being alone and not waking up to someone who cares about me to kiss me and hug me and wish me a happy birthday , maybe she will take pity on me for the overflowing sadness in my heart when I think this is the last birthday I will get to talk to my grandmother on… maybe she will take pity on me and decide to speed up my metabolism so I can eat all the birthday cake I want and not gain 5 lbs just for looking at it …lucky for me there wont be any bday cake this year so I wont have to worry about that lol

In the past I always made my own bday plans, I either picked a bar or restaurant and told everyone I knew when and where so they could join me for some laughs and drinks but after all the years of doing that I am taking a break and spending it alone.

Yes I know it sounds like I am having a pity party for one already so who needs a bday party too, greedy right? lol

I am just stating why this birthday is harder for me than most and these are the things I am going through right now so this is why I am the way I am lately and why I would much rather just sleep through the day tomorrow and pretend like it never happened.

I just have to accept the fact that the days of birthday parties are far behind me, the days ahead will be of trying to fill my time doing things that make me happy and that isn’t a bad thing it is just lonely sometimes when you have no one special to share anything with…like birthdays for instance

So the dreaded 39 will come and go and life will go on … happy birthday to me.

*edit*

I thought I was going to be all alone on my bday but last minute plans were made and the day actually turned out to be nice and not as bad as I thought it would be.

My ex husband took me out to lunch then I spent the afternoon shopping with my mom who sent me home with a backseat full of bday gifts, without which I would have had none so that was nice. Then my cousin, who is my closest friend in the world took me out to dinner to a new place and then to drinks and ended the day perfectly… I was a happy girl in the end, and a lucky one I know.

I couldn’t kill it and I feel horrible…

A lot of you are going to think this little story sounds ridiculous and it probably is but when I think about it I just feel awful.

Friday night after work I went to grab dinner at a place down the street. When I came back to my car after dinner approaching the front end of my car I saw a beautiful large yellow monarch butterfly on my bumper…the closer I got though the sadder I became because it looked as though it was dead and caught in my headlight…

Then the most awful thing happened, it wiggled. Omg it was still alive and trapped! I put my takeout on the hood and dropped my purse and I gently slid it’s trapped wing out and placed it on the hood of my car.

It tried to fly away, it flapped its one wing and gave a little hop but could not take flight, its other wing was crinkled…

I very gently tried to smooth out its wing hoping that would help somehow… I placed it on the ground and it still could not fly it just walked around and it broke my heart.

I know the humane thing would have been to kill it so it would not suffer and I stood there for a short while considering it as I fought back tears from the anguish I was feeling over the tiny life of this beautiful little butterfly.

How strange that such a thing can happen… perhaps it would not bother most people… I am sure a lot of people would have just drove off leaving it there on the bumper but when I saw it trapped and alive I couldn’t do it… and I still feel guilty driving away ;leaving it there wobbling on the ground… why does that bother me so?

I always thought I would be the person that would be able to take a life if it meant ending misery … for example the scenario has played in my mind often of what I would do if I saw a half dead animal on the side of the road suffering in pain as its life was ebbing away… I always thought I would be able to give it the last blow to make the suffering end but now after failing the test with nothing but an insect I do not think I could do that… what does that say about me?

Does the worth of a life and suffering of a creature mean less just because it is not a human one? I do not think so…and that is why something like this that may seem silly to you actually means something to me.

There is nothing I can do about it now but I can only hope if it happens again I will be able to do the right thing.

*Sigh*